


my sweetest downfall

by takeitlikeagem (rosesandcinnamon)



Series: maybe i just wanna be yours [12]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, F/F, Forced coming out, Growing Up Together, Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2018-06-03 17:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 24,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesandcinnamon/pseuds/takeitlikeagem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With her heart in her throat, Peridot sits down at the other end of the table. Her mother, with a neutral expression, opens the shoebox and takes out a photo booth strip.<br/>For the first time in a long time, Peridot prays.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the best things we learned, we learned from the wreck

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So, in this series I've mostly written about Jasper and Peridot as teenagers. But my writing buddy and I know a lot more than I've written, and I wanted to start expanding into their adult life. However, there's a clear starting point, and it took me a while to write it. 
> 
> I want to warn anyone who has problems with this- spoiler alert, Peridot's parents heavily disapprove of her and Jasper. I'll put a warning on that chapter, but please be aware of that. 
> 
> Also, Cassie is their daughter, just putting that out there. I'll write more about her later!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates for this won't be consistent, unfortunately. I have a ton pre-written, however! Hopefully the next chapter will be up as soon as my buddy can look at it. (Shoutout to you, Alicia. <3)

“Mom, can I ask you a question?”

Peridot looks up from her book.

“Sure, Cassie.”

Cassie takes a deep breath, and Peri raises an eyebrow.

What comes next surprises both her and Jasper.

“Okay, so I’ve noticed this weird… Gap in things that you guys tell me? Like you tell me about the end of high school, and then you tell me about getting your first apartment. What happened in between?”

Jasper sits up, unsmiling, and glances at Peri. She avoids the look, staring at the floor.

“Cass.”

“I’m not done yet. Grandma won’t tell me a thing, she just mentioned Momma having a bad time with her dad. And Mom- you don’t talk about your parents. Ever. Why not?”

“Cassie. _Stop_.”

Jasper’s never spoken to her daughter in such a tone, but she’s pushing a line drawn in stone, and it doesn’t quit.

“And- when my friend was depressed, you gave me the best advice, like. Like you had been through it yourself, and-”

Cassie realizes that she’s never seen Jasper this angry, but she won’t stop.

“I just want to know!”

A horrible silence hangs between them. Jasper’s head is in her hands, tugging her fingers through her hair. Peridot is silent.

“Look, Mom, I know we aren’t that close, but I want to be. I just- I don’t know how you two became who you are. I feel like I’m missing out on so much.”

Jasper laughs.

“You’re not, believe me.”

“Good or bad, I am! I want to know how you two have stayed together for so long, I mean, you must have gone through something together-”

Peridot gets up and leaves. Jasper and Cassie are silent, until her mom turns to her.

“We’re going to talk about this later.”

Jasper follows after Peridot, and Cassie is left alone. She hears the soft “Peri?”, and the click of the door shutting, and the murmur of voices.

She fucked up, and she knows it.

\--

“Peri?”

Jasper closes the door after her, and touches Peridot’s shoulder as she stands with her arms around herself.

“Hey, hey, talk to me.”

Peri is crying as she turns around, and Jasper’s heart drops. She draws her close, holding her tightly. Peridot’s arms unfold to wrap around her, burying her face in Jasper’s shirt.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Jasp, I don’t wanna relive that summer.”

“You don’t have to, Cassie doesn’t need to know. She has no idea what she’s asking for.”

“But she’s _right_ -” and it kills Jasper how her voice breaks. “We aren’t very close, and I’ve never known how to fix it. If she knew, she would understand.”

Jasper kisses her face, drawing back to wipe her tears.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Do you want to talk about it later?”

Peridot nods, pressing herself closer.

\--

“Hey, Mom.”

Peridot looks up, smiling faintly.

“Hi, Cassie.”

Cassie sits down next to her, sighing.

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Peridot smiles for real, brushing hair out of her face.

“I know. It’s okay. Just- you have to give me a little while. You’re asking about stuff I’ve put behind me.”

“Yeah, I understand. Mom said it was something you didn’t like to talk about.”

“She’s right. So let me think about it, okay?”

“Okay.”

-

Peridot can’t sleep. Jasper breathes beside her, hand on her arm. It reminds her of when they were younger, when she would lie awake wondering why she was so lucky.

She remembers a lot about sleepless nights, too many to count, especially- then.

She’s going to tell Cassie about it.

\--

Her mom comes into her room, and Cassie looks up from her homework.

“Hi, Mom.”

Peridot smiles at her, settling down on the end of her bed.

“What are you working on?” She asks, and they idly chat for a few minutes. It’s pleasant, until Peridot looks away for a moment.

“Cassie, can I tell you about something?”

“Uh. Sure.”

“What you asked about the other day… I wanted to mention something before I told you the whole story. You’re right, about the two of us going through something. It was the worst time of my life, and probably hers too. The thing is though- the reason we’re still together.”

She pauses, and two sets of green eyes meet.

“Love is a choice. Sure, you have the feeling of being in love, but real love- it takes time, and it takes work. And your mom chose to love me.”

“I- I’m a little confused.”

Peridot rubs her cuff between her fingers, thinking.

“Okay, let me give you the real example. So- we got together in junior year, right? And scientifically, being in love only lasts two years, at the most. But between high school and college, something happened, and it- was awful. Going through that meant that Jasper could have dumped me, but she chose to love me. Because of it, we’ve been able to work through everything else. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah…”

Cassie glances at her, and Peridot knows her question.

“I promise, I’ll tell you what happened. Just be a little patient, okay?”

“Okay.”


	2. you gave away your heart but the wolves attacked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the homophobia. I can edit it out if you'd like, (just leave me a comment or message me at manicpixienightmaregirl.tumblr.com) but it is fairly minor.

_ years before _

Peridot opens the front door, waving to Jasper in her car. Jasper leaves as she closes the door, familiar sound of her engine growing faint.

Her mother calls for her, and Peridot finds her parents in the kitchen, with a shoebox on the table in between them.

A shoebox that is. Not for anyone else, and  _ not for her parents to see _ .

With her heart in her throat, Peridot sits down at the other end of the table. Her mother, with a neutral expression, opens the shoebox and takes out a photo booth strip.

For the first time in a long time, Peridot prays.

“Would you like to explain this?”

Her mother slides the photos to her, tapping the last one. It’s Peridot and Jasper kissing, from their day at the fair last summer.

Peridot shakes her head.

“There are plenty of other things to explain in here too.”

She stares at the table.

“Peridot. You and- she, have been close for a long time. We were under the impression that you two were best friends. Were we wrong?”

She may be in the most trouble she’s ever been in, but she’s still stubborn.

“No. She’s my best friend.”

“But are you two… romantically involved?”

Peri’s voice is tiny.

“Yes.”

“You know, I thought we had raised you right. I thought you were just hesitant to be involved with any boys. I never thought you would turn out like  _ this _ .”

Peridot can’t stop the tears. This is every nightmare come true, and she can't handle it. Her hands fidget under the table, entire body shaking.

“Maybe we weren’t strict enough, always letting you stay with that girl. We should have seen it earlier. But we called your aunt and uncle-” She wants to fucking sob. This can’t be happening to her. “They’re willing to let you stay with them for the summer. It’ll be good for you.”

She nods, silent. Her mother sighs.

“You don’t have anything to say for yourself?” 

Peridot shakes her head. 

“Fine. Go on to your room.”

She leaves, and does as she said. In her room, she picks up one of Jasper’s hoodies and collapses into her bed. Wrapped in her smell, it sets in that she's going to have one hell of a summer.

Oh God, she has to tell Jasper. 

She finds her phone in her pocket, and calls her. It doesn't hit her until it's too late that she's crying, and Jasper is going to freak out. 

“What's up?”

Her voice is light, and she can just see her smile. 

“H-hey, Jasper.”

“Peri, what’s wrong? What happened? I  _ just _ dropped you off.”

The worry in her voice makes the tears come faster, and Peridot chokes back a sob before she answers.

“Um- My parents… my parents found out about us, Jasper,” and suddenly her breath is coming faster, chest tightening and she can’t think- “I- I don’t know what to do-” and Jasper cuts her off.

“Peri. Breathe, okay? Breathe.”

She takes a deep, rasping breath, chest fighting against her. Jasper listens to her breathe until she’s calmer, and talks to her as soothingly as possible.

“We’re going to be fine. What did they say?”

“They called my aunt and uncle, Jasp, I’m not gonna be here this summer-”

“Shh, shh, that’s okay. Anything else?”

“I- I don’t know, I just really need to have you here right now.”

“Do you want me to come over?”

“No. No, you can’t, Jasp,  _ promise _ you won’t-”

“Peri-”

“They’d be so pissed! No, we can’t see each other- I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Peridot hears footsteps on the stairs, and panics.

“I gotta go- they’re gonna take my phone, I love you, okay?”

“I love you too!”

She hangs up, shoving her phone under her pillow and closing her eyes. Her mother opens her door, lips pressed together in a flat line.

“Who were you just talking to?”

Peridot raises her head.

“No one,” and her voice trembles. “Give me your phone,” her mother says, and Peridot just wants to curl up in her blankets and die. She takes it out, and gives it to her, hands shaking. 

“What’s your passcode?”

Peridot shakes her head, starting to panic again. They can take her phone, they just- can’t see what’s in it. They’ve already seen too much, made her vulnerable, they’re not allowed into her relationship. 

“Tell me or we’re taking your tablet too.” 

Peridot doesn’t bother to reply. In the end, her mother takes her phone, laptop, and tablet. 

She lies on her bed with her face buried in Jasper’s jacket, and pretends it’s her.


	3. two quarters and a heart down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this written for a loong time, so this is lengthier than the other chapters.  
> I also made a playlist for this fic, which is long as well. I take my titles from these songs, so it's worth a listen.   
> http://8tracks.com/rosesandcinnamon/my-sweetest-downfall

Life is a fucking shitshow, and Jasper’s worried about her girlfriend, and worried is an understatement. 

Nothing is the  _ same  _ without Peri. It’s not comforting, or happy, or content. It’s just strange.

She’s been writing letters, instead of texts. She supposes they could be called love letters- they’re all about how incredible Peri is, and how lucky she is to have her, and how she knows they can get through this. Jasper’d never say it to her, but she can easily see herself spending the rest of her life- no, as long as Peri wants to- with her.

She wants to laugh when she thinks of how they started- ridiculous middle schoolers who had no idea what their relationship would become. 

Jasper writes for hours, putting down every thought she’s ever had about Peridot. She writes about how pretty she is, how she adores every little quirk and trait, about how she thinks that she could never get used to how they are around each other. She details the happiest moments they’ve had, talking about how she felt when Peridot said “I love you” for the first time, sharing inside jokes. She writes like she’s talking to her, vulnerable and honest, almost brave in how open she is. 

It took a lot out of her, to hear how distraught Peri was on the phone. Jasper writes her letters just in case, just in case she can soothe some of it. There’s one for “open when you need a laugh”, “open when you’re sad”, “open when you miss me”, “open just because”. She pours her heart into them, and hopes it does something for Peri. 

But in the meantime, she sits on her bedroom floor, shooting things in a video game, phone strategically placed so she can see the screen out of the corner of her eye. 

She’s never had it off of silent for so long, just hoping that a text or a call or  _ anything _ will come from Peridot.

Jasper’s so deep in thought that her ringtone surprises her. She scrambles to pause her game, throwing her controller onto the floor, fumbling for her phone.

It’s a number she doesn’t know, but local, and she answers. She doesn’t get a chance to talk.

“Jasper, it’s me, I have literally an hour and a half to go grocery shopping, please come see me, I-”

Peri’s voice breaks, and Jasper nearly trips over herself to get out of her room, keys in hand. Just in case, she grabs her piles of letters too. 

“I’m leaving right now, okay? The nearest store, right? God, Peri, I miss you.”

“Yeah, yeah. I miss you too, Jasper. Can you believe- I’m fucking using a payphone, this is  _ pathetic _ .”

She sounds like she’s crying, and as Jasper turns her car on, phone pressed to her ear, there’s a ache in her chest.

“Peri, okay, I’m on my way, do you want to keep talking?”

“No, no, you’re a bad enough driver as it is.”

She laughs, but it’s a sob too, and the sound is a knife between her ribs.

“Thanks, Peri. Okay, I’ll be there in like, five minutes. I love you.”

They don’t normally say it, but at this point Jasper’s taking any chance she gets.

“I love you too. Bye.”

Her voice is shaking, and the click of the phone hanging up sounds final.

The radio switches from commercials to a song, and Jasper turns it up.

“ _ This is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames of my friends bodies. When the flood water comes, it ain't gonna be clear. It’s gonna look like mud. _ ”

Jasper listens as she follows familiar roads to a familiar place. The song just  _ gets  _ her in a way she hates and loves at the same time, and it hurts. She blinks tears away as she looks for a parking spot, finding one, of course, beside Peridot’s parent’s car.

(She’s tempted to bump into it.)

She parks neatly, and gets out. She plays with her keys as she walks into the store. When Peri called her the first time, sobbing and desperate, a pit dug itself in her stomach, and only widened as the days went on.

Seeing her girlfriend, finally, makes that pit lessen.

Except she looks like a fucking wreck.

Her hijab isn’t as neatly pinned as usual, something about it seems different, but that’s only the beginning. Peri’s eyes are blank, staring at the wall, bags beneath them sunken and obvious. She’s got her glasses on, and they’re out of place in the light of day. Her arms are wrapped around herself, as if- as if she’s holding herself together. The leggings she has on are old and worn, and one of her shoes is untied.

Jasper had hoped her tears would go away.

She knows they won’t.

“Peri.”

Her head snaps up, and the dead expression on her face melts away.

Jasper’s ready when she  _ throws  _ herself at her, legs finding a perch on her hips, hands clenching into her hair.

Peridot is sobbing in her arms. She’d like to just focus on the “in her arms”, but she can’t. They kiss, wet faces touching, and they both know they’re freaking out everyone passing by. 

Jasper readjusts her grip, holding her up by her thighs, and kisses her more.

Despite everything, she’s the one to pull away, looking at Peri like she’s the world to her.

“You don’t have much time, right? We should get your errands done.”

Peri is still crying, but she nods, and lets Jasper set her down. Her arms slip from around her neck, but catch again at her waist. She buries her face in Jasper’s shirt, pressed as close as possible.

“Peri…”

Her shoulders shake, and Jasper rests her chin on her head, curled around her protectively.

Peridot sighs deeply, her entire body relaxing with it.

“Okay.”

She steps away, taking Jasper’s hand and smiling up at her, a smile like everything is normal and perfect. They go inside the store, Peri taking out the list she was given and picking up a basket.

“Okay, I need…”

Jasper doesn’t hear her. She’s too busy just looking at her, trying to get enough of her before she’s gone. She can’t help but think that this summer is going to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to them.

“You’re not listening, are you?”

“Sorry.”

Peri gives her a small smile, and leads her in the right direction. Jasper, always saying the wrong things, makes her pause.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

There’s so much unsaid in Peridot’s tone, and she squeezes her hand.

“Talk to me.”

“God, Jasper, they took everything. My phone, my tablet, they changed the passwords to all their stuff, if they knew how they would change the WiFi password.”

Jasper moves closer to her as she grabs something off the shelf.

“And my aunt and uncle- I barely know them. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe they just want me to pray the gay away.”

She laughs bitterly, and it hurts to hear.

“Peri…”

“Sorry.”

Jasper can’t think of what to say. She watches Peri reach for a can on the top shelf, tiptoeing to get it, and she puts her hand on her back, moving her gently aside. She gets it for her, putting the can in the basket.

“Thank you,” Peridot says, and she’s looking at her with an expression that’s half starry eyes and half teary.

Jasper kisses her head in response, heart hurting. They shop, talking quietly. 

“When are you leaving?”

“Next week, I think. My parents are still my parents- they found the cheapest ticket possible.”

Jasper laughs, short and brittle. Peri’s voice is quiet.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault. It’s your parents, okay? They didn’t have to do this. You deserve-”

Jasper stops walking for a minute, gentle hands guiding Peri to look at her.

“You deserve so much better.”

Peridot wants to cry. Jasper is just too good to her. She’s so afraid to be without her, to be so far away. But for now, it’s good to be with her. They shop, and load the groceries into the car when they’re done. Blessedly, there’s another forty-five minutes before Peri has to go.


	4. hey man i love you but no fucking way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes heavy inspiration from [twin sized mattress](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1rzsT2t2YY), so I recommend listening to it.

The two of them sit in the back of Jasper’s car, Peri nestled against her side. They’re quiet for a moment, before it occurs to Peridot that she should probably mention something.

“If you want to… Take a break while I'm gone. That's okay.”

Jasper doesn't understand at first.

“Take a break?”

“Break up, Jasper. If you want to break up, I understand.”

Jasper looks horrified at the thought.

“No. Never. You’re my girlfriend, Peri, I don’t want that to change! I don’t care where you are or what’s happening. I’m not leaving you.”

Peridot puts her arms around Jasper’s neck, burying her face in her chest. Jasper moves so it’s not as awkward, Peri ending up in her lap.

“I don’t want to go,” she whispers, and Jasper’s heart hurts. She holds her closer for a moment, and the seed of an idea in her head begins to grow. They sit together in her car, quiet in their embrace.

“Peri?”

“Yeah?”

She sits up to look at Jasper.

“What if we ran away?” she asks, and Peridot _laughs._

“I wish.”

“No, no, Peri, just- just run away with me. I’ve got a car, you’re eighteen in just a couple of months, we could do it, we could just _go_.”

She kisses her face in pauses, but pulls back to look at her. Jasper has a spark in her eyes, a look on her face that speaks volumes. She’s serious, and Peridot can feel her heart breaking.

“Jasper…”

Peridot is not brave. Her voice breaks, tears slip down her face, but she still says it.

“Jasper, I love you, but there’s no fucking way.”

The hurt on her face is unbearable.

“It would never work. You don’t need a criminal charge, I don’t need even more trouble.”

“ _Peri_.”

“You know I’m right!”

She knows Jasper, she knows her girlfriend, she knows that for her to accept this it’s going to have to hurt. But she’s crying, and Peri still reaches out to wipe the tears away as she talks.

“Jasper… they’re not going to let go. It’d be easier if they did, but they won’t. The best I can do is just- pretend. They don’t know we’re going to the same college, and that’s- that’s the best bet I have for us. I’ll play their game, I’ll come home the perfect daughter, but I can’t see you again until the fall. I can’t- I can’t promise you anything.”

Jasper moves her head to rest on her shoulder, and Peridot doesn’t bother to stop herself from sinking her fingers into all that hair. She’ll allow herself to have this while it lasts.

It’s whispered into her hair.

“I’m sorry.”

They quit talking after that, and Jasper can’t stop thinking about how nothing has ever hurt this much.

Peridot can’t stop thinking about how this is probably the last time she’s going to see her for a long while. She swallows her pride because of it.

“Jasper?”

Her voice is rough, and Peridot would do anything to never hear her like this again.

“Yeah?”

“Do- do you have any of your jackets in your car?”

Jasper looks at her, and they’re both crying.

“Fuck, Peri, I- I kind of kept all the jackets I actually wanted to wear in my car. I let you have all the ones in my room. But- yeah. You can have them.”

She stares at her as it sinks in. It feels like the world stops for just a second before everything hits her again. Jasper absolutely loves her, loves her so much she can’t believe that this is happening to her.

Peridot covers her face as she sobs, hands sliding underneath her glasses. She feels Jasper draw her closer, holding her shaking frame and turning her head to press kisses to what little of her face is uncovered.

Everything hurts.

“I love you.”

Jasper whispers it, so softly, and Peri sucks in a breath.

“I love you too.”

Jasper coaxes Peridot out of her lap, ducking out for a moment to pop the trunk and get her jackets out. She brings them all into her backseat, putting the pile next to Peridot and getting back in.

Peridot picks up a hoodie and pulls the one she's wearing over her head, revealing the tank top underneath, putting the new one on. Jasper rests her hand on the curve of her hip, and Peri gives her a slight smile.

“This one should smell like me, so that's good.”

She hands it to her, and Jasper leans forward to put it in the front seat. They look at each other for a moment, and Peridot closes her eyes.

“I guess I should go-”

“Wait, wait, one sec. I, well, I’ve been writing ever since you called me,” Jasper says as she reaches for the stack of letters in the passenger seat, and continues talking. “I wanted you to have something while you were gone, and… I just had to get it all down.” She hands them to Peridot, who thumbs through the stack with shock.

“You… Jasp, you didn’t have to…”

“Peri. I did it because I wanted to.”

Peridot looks at her, and Jasper touches her face.

“I did it because I love you.”

She leans into her touch, closing her eyes. Her voice is a whisper, as she tries to forget everything that’s happening: “I love you too.”

Far too soon, she snaps back into reality, sitting up.

“Okay. I have to go, Jasp… I think this is the last time I can see you.” She chokes up at the very concept of it, unsure of the next time they’ll see each other. Jasper hates it too, squeezing her hand.

“You can do this,” she says with a kiss to her forehead. “It’s just a summer, Peri, we’ll be together before you can even miss me.”

Peridot smiles through tears.

“I miss you already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where my pre-writing has a hole in it, so I'm not sure when I'll update next. Hopefully soon!


	5. you leave because you're certain of who you want to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a while!

Peridot’s parents barely speak to her as they plan her trip to where their relatives live. If her parents are already treating her like a stranger, she can’t imagine how her super religious and unfamiliar relatives will be. She feels lonely, cut off from Jasper and anyone else she wanted to talk to. She sleeps a lot, and reads when she’s awake. Old books from her childhood are comforting, still the same even though she’s so different.  Somehow, she had managed to sneak the jackets and letters Jasper had given her inside. When the time comes, she packs them first, covering what feels like contraband. As a precaution, she unearths her planner from school, where she had written down phone numbers. Jasper’s was there, surrounded by hearts, and she rewrote it in one of her books, cringing at the thought of ruining it. However- when it came to Jasper, she didn’t care.

If she had any chance, any chance to be with her at all, she’d take it.

\--

Her parents take her to the airport without ceremony. Peridot stares out the window, numbing herself to the idea that she’d be gone for the summer. She misses Jasper so much already that it hurts, and she can’t imagine how hard an entire summer will be.

The plane trip is uneventful. Peridot sleeps fitfully, and she hates to wake up without Jasper beside her.

She meets her relatives at the airport, speaking in Arabic as they grab her bags and leave, getting the typical “you’ve grown so much since we’ve seen you, you’re so mature now!” talk. At least they were friendly- maybe her parents hadn’t told them why she was here? Peridot really didn’t know, and she figured that it didn’t really matter.

They get back to the house, and her cousin, Mirah, guides her into the room they’re going to share. The two girls switch into English as soon as Mirah’s parents leave, more casual in that language. They talk for a little while, both of them feeling the awkward “I’m supposed to bond with you” atmosphere. It’s nothing but small talk, but her cousin looks at her, half smiling.

“You know, all through school my parents used you as an example. All I ever heard about you was how great your grades were.”

Peridot laughs a little, saying “I would have gotten a D or two for you if I had known.” Mirah laughs too, and it’s nice to feel somewhat lighter. The conversation is quickly shifted, however, and Peridot feels a little uncomfortable. Mirah leans in, asking her a question.

“So. Why are you here, Peridot? My parents never said.”

She rubs her neck before answering her.

“I’m dating someone my parents don’t approve of. They freaked out when they found out, and sent me here.”

“You rebel. Don’t you know not to get caught?”

Peridot laughs, and their conversation shifts again.

It’s nice, to talk to someone for the first time in a couple of weeks. Mirah is entertaining, and they haven’t seen each other since they were children. Eventually, she invites her to unpack, and Peridot does, putting her things in the part of the dresser that had been cleared out for her.

She gets to the bottom of her bag, and Mirah gets curious.

“Where'd that leather jacket come from?”

“A friend.”

“Is it his?”

Peridot sighs. Jasper can pass as a boy's name, at least. 

“Yeah.”

“You know, you didn’t deserve this,” her cousin says, speaking softly. “Having a relationship isn’t a crime.” Peridot raises her head, looking at her with wide eyes.

“Thank you. That means a lot.”

Mirah looks like she’s debating something, and Peridot sighs.

“Do you want to call him? I’d let you have my cell phone.”

“You’re not serious,” Peridot says, fingers curled into the jacket.

“I am. I won’t tell my parents, I swear.”

They stare at each other, Peridot’s hands twisting nervously.

“That’d… that’d be great, actually. Can I call h-him tonight?”

“Of course.”


	6. say goodnight so i can say goodbye

Throughout the rest of the day, all Peridot can think about is being able to talk to Jasper. Late at night, Mirah checks her parents’ room, making sure they’re asleep. She smiles when she comes back in, and hands her the phone. Peridot’s hands shake as she dials the numbers written in her book, and puts the phone to her ear. Hearing Jasper’s voice is incredible.

“Who is this?”

She sounds tired and pissed off, and Peridot loves it. 

“Hey, Jasper.”

“Holy  _ shit, _ Peri! I thought-”

“My cousin is letting me call you. I needed to hear your voice,” she says, voice wavering. Tears are building in her eyes, and she knows Jasper knows.

“It’s gonna be alright, Peri. Are you doing okay?”

She makes a sound halfway between a cough and a laugh before replying.

“I’m trying. I miss you so bad, Jasper…”

“I know, I know. I miss you too. Do you know if we can talk more, or is this a one-time thing?”

“We’ll have to see, but don’t call this number, okay? I’ll call you.”

“I get it,” Jasper says, and her voice softens. “I love you, Peri. You- you mean everything to me, okay? We’re gonna be okay.”

She’d like to believe Jasper, but suddenly she’s so anxious that someone’s going to hear her that it’s impossible to even think of being okay. 

“I love you too. I- I should go.”

“Alright. Please call me when you can.”

“I will, I will. Bye, Jasp.”

“Bye, Peri.”

Peridot hangs up, and gets up to give Mirah’s phone back. She stumbles on her words, brushing tears off her face.

“Thank you so much.”

“It’s not a problem, Peridot. You can call him whenever we have a chance, okay?”

She only nods, going back to her bed. 

Peridot sleeps curled around Jasper’s leather jacket, face buried into her scent. 

\-------------------

Peridot  _ lives  _ for nights when she feels safe enough to call Jasper. She always picks up, fast enough that Peridot suspects she keeps her phone on volume. They talk about the simplest things, about what Jasper did at work, about something funny Peri saw, and it’s so comforting. 

But it hurts so much. It’s just a reminder that they’re not together, that they can’t curl up together and watch a movie and throw popcorn down each other’s shirts, or play video games together, or- anything. This is all they have.

One night, she’s too scared to say anything. She just wants to listen to Jasper talk, and Jasper does. Peridot has to think- she’s too good to be with her, God, Jasper deserves more than scared phone calls and a summer apart. She has to interrupt Jasper’s monologue, eyes filling with tears as she thinks about how much she misses her.

“I love you, Jasper. I love you so much,” she whispers, and Jasper doesn’t respond for a moment.    
“I love you too, Peri- what’s going on?”

“Nothing, nothing, I just wanted to tell you.”

There’s so much more she wants to say, but she supposes it’ll have to wait. Jasper continues to talk, and Peridot falls asleep listening to her voice.

On the other end of the line, Jasper’s chest hurts as she ends the call. She could hear the soft sounds of Peri’s breathing, and Jasper knew from experience that she was asleep. It was always so easy to get her to sleep- movies put her right out, as well as lying with her after a long day. Jasper misses her, and goes to bed wishing that things hadn’t gone this way. 

\--

The next morning, Peridot is thinking the same thing. She wakes up early, and decides to shower. It takes forever to brush her hair, and she misses the way Jasper used to play with it when she was bored. She just- misses her. 

Peridot starts the water, and steps into the shower, train of thought continuing. 

It hurts, to know that she caused all their misery. If only she had been more careful, if only she had never  _ said  _ anything- their relationship was the reason they were in so much pain. She sits down at the bottom of the shower, letting the water soak into her hair as she puts her head on her knees. She can’t bear the thought that Jasper’s hurting just as much as she is. Peridot can’t even be sure that she’s doing alright- Jasper never mentions her own feelings when they talk.

Peridot cries, letting herself give up on the brave facade she had been holding since she had left.  Mirah looks at her gently when she finally gets out of the shower, but says nothing. 

\--

_ Jasper is warm next to her, and the sunlight is pouring through her curtains, lighting up her already orangey eyes. She’s absolutely beautiful, and Peridot can’t stop herself from reaching out to touch her face. “Hi,” she whispers, eyes crinkling up as she smiles, and Peri smiles back. Jasper pulls her closer, and for the first time in what feels like forever, Peridot feels safe. It’s so good, to be with her and forget about- oh. Forget about the fact that she’s not with her, and that this isn’t real.  _ Peridot feels the warmth of what she thought was Jasper turn into just the blankets she’s nestled in. She looks at the clock, reading the numbers with a heavy heart. Three in the morning, and she knows she won’t be able to go back to sleep. 

Peridot stares at the ceiling, remembering all the times she had woken up in the middle of the night at Jasper’s. She had always been able to roll over and push herself back into Jasper’s arms, getting a sleepy mumble in response. She shifts, lying on her side, and it’s just. Not the same. Peridot puts her hands together, but holding her own hand is just cold and lonely.

She just wants to be home- not even home, she just wants to be with Jasper. Peridot closes her eyes, and tries to sleep.


	7. i don't do too well on my own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter! I wanted to do well with this, so sorry for the wait. The next chapter will be up shortly, it's a short little thing that I wanted to keep separate from this. 
> 
> If you ever want to know the song from the title, let me know in the comments!

Jasper is tense between calls. They’re always short and sad, “I love you”s and “I miss you”s filling the conversation. It’s just horrible, to know that her girlfriend is so far away and hurting so much, and Jasper can do- nothing. 

She’s always at work or the gym, working out her frustrations. However, some remain, and her father always  knew how to push her buttons. 

\--

“So, Jasper.”

Jasper barely looks up, just shoving food in her mouth. She’s hungry, dammit, and just wants to get done.

“Where’s that Peridot been? I haven’t seen her around.”

“Not here.”

Her hand tightens around her phone underneath the table, and she takes another bite despite her stomach hurting at the mere mention of Peri. Her dad takes an obnoxiously loud sip of his drink, and speaks.

“Awh, did your little girlfriend dump you?” he says, and Jasper’s blood runs cold. She swallows, and looks him in the eye.

“Don’t talk about her like that.”

“Why? Is she your real girlfriend?”

Her mother is standing in the kitchen, she knows, and she can’t start a fight, but she’s so damn tempted. 

“That’s none of your business. Just don’t talk about her like that.”

“It is my business, you’re under my roof. Is that Peridot girl your girlfriend or is she not?”

Jasper’s mom comes around the corner, hovering anxiously in the edge  of Jasper’s vision. In a moment that she hates later, she decides to just say fuck it.

“Yeah, she is. Her parents found out, and she’s gone for the summer. You happy now?”

She pushes her plate away, appetite gone. 

“Jay…” Her mother steps towards the table, already wanting to break it up. Her father puts his hand up to her, not even dignifying her worry with a response.

“Jasper, you mean to tell me you two have been together? For how long?”

She stares at him.

“Almost a year and a half. Do you have a problem with that?”

“Yes, I have a problem with the fact that my daughter is a lesbian!” and he turns to her mom, anger in his face. “Did  _ you  _ know?” She nods, and opens her mouth to speak, but he doesn’t give her the chance.

“This is-”   
“What, Dad? Not what you expected of me?”

“Not at all!” 

“Sorry to play into stereotypes but how are you surprised? I’m athletic and not girly and I’ve never said a damn thing about any boys.” He’s getting angry, and Jasper just doesn’t care. She doesn’t. What is he gonna do, kick her out? 

“That doesn't mean you're a lesbian! What am I supposed to think when you've showed no interest in girls your entire life?”

Jasper laughs. 

“As if I would around you. We went to prom together, for fuck’s sake! She was always here, we were always together- what more would you need? I never actually hid anything.”

“I thought you two were just best friends.”

“Sorry I’m not your perfect little girl anymore. If I ever was,” she says, and God, now they’re getting into the real problems. Her dad looks offended, and she’s  _ glad.  _ Her mom is twisting her hands, and Jasper feels guilty that this fight had to happen in front of her, but it’s a long time coming. 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you’ve always expected so much of me. And I’m not sorry I’m not living up to your expectations.”

“What  _ expectations _ ? I wanted you to be athletic and like me, I just never wanted you to be a lesbian!”

“There it is. You wanted me to be athletic, you wanted me to be like you! I know you wanted a boy instead of a girl, I know you named me Jasper anyway. You’ve always wanted me to be more than I am. Sorry you didn’t get your perfect Jasper Junior, but this is just the way I am. You can deal with it.”

Her father is dead silent, and it’s because she’s right, and they both know it. They’ve hit a wall, and- “Get out of my house.” oh God, she should have known. She’s so furious with herself and her father and this shitty situation that she  _ wants  _ to leave.

“Fine!”

Jasper leaves the room, ignoring her mom reaching for her. Her feet fall heavily on the stairs as she goes to get her keys. She slams the front door on her way out. Getting into her car, she turns the radio up full volume, and is definitely speeding as she exits the neighborhood.

With no idea of anywhere else to go, she heads to the gym. Once she’s there, Jasper gets into her spare gym clothes and practically throws herself onto a treadmill. She sets the speed to as fast as she knows she can go, and runs. 

She pretends she's leaving all her problems behind as she runs: her dad, her fear of the future, college. It works for a while, and she looks down to find out she's been making her best time. Maybe Coach Diamond was wrong and she could do track if she wanted. The thought makes her smile.

When she can't run any more, she goes to get a drink. It occurs to her that she just wants to lie down somewhere and cry. She stifles a laugh at the notion, but it remains as she switches to lifting weights. It's comforting, to focus on nothing but her breathing and repetitive motions, and let her mind go blank. Once her entire body feels worn out, Jasper puts her weights away and goes to shower. She’s not sure where she’ll go after this, but she’ll figure it out. 

She leaves the gym, pulling out her phone to check it. One text from her mom, asking where she is, and she promptly ignores it. 

Her shoulder collides with someone else’s, and her phone falls to the concrete. Her residual anger flares up again, and she’s irrationally furious.

“Fucking watch it!”

Jasper stoops to grab her phone, and looks up to see- Garnet. Out of all people she didn’t want to run into after graduation, Garnet was near the top. She looks at her coolly, taking off her glasses.

“Sorry. Didn’t see you there.”

“I’m six feet tall!”

Garnet shrugs, and asks “Would you get out of my way?” with a hint of annoyance in her voice. Jasper doesn’t move. 

“I think you should get out of mine.”

Garnet rolls her eyes.

“Be careful, Jasper.”

Jasper steps forward, even more into Garnet’s space. Some tiny logical voice in the back of her head says not to. She pointedly ignores it. 

“Of what?”

Garnet stares at her, not moving and not replying. It pisses Jasper off even more, and she gets closer.

“You think I couldn’t fight you?”

“I think it’d be funny if you tried.”

With that, Jasper snaps.

The next thing she knows, there’s a  _ crack  _ and her nose is fucking bleeding. Garnet steps back, one hand covering the knuckles of her other hand. Jasper rolls her shirt up to hold it to her nose, and shoves Garnet with her shoulder as she heads to her car. Just touching her nose hurts, and she’s pretty damn sure, from experience, that her nose is broken. Jasper gets into her car, and checks in the mirror. Her nose looks a little fucked up, and she swears. Gently prodding at her nose makes her swear more. It keeps bleeding, and she can’t remember- is she supposed to lean forward or lean back? And pinch it or not? God dammit, Peri would know. 

She doesn’t want to go home, or go to a doctor, because she’d have to call her mom. She can’t go to Peri. She’s about to try and fix her nose herself, ignoring the pain, when she remembers something. 

There was a little freshman in the gym class she was a teacher’s assistant for. Connie, her name was. Jasper heard her talking about  _ Unfamiliar Familiar _ one day, and recognized the title (since Peri had read it to her). They quickly bonded over the ending (Lisa deserved so much better), and Jasper had helped her out in gym. Besides that, she remembers Connie mentioning that her mom is a doctor.

Opening her contacts, she hopes she has Connie’s number. Luckily, there it is. She hits call, and Connie picks up.

“Jasper? Why are you calling me?”

“Hey Connie. Can you do me a favor? Your mom’s a doctor, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Could she deal with a broken nose?”

“Jasper, what-”

“Please, Connie. I’ll explain later.”

“Fine.”

She hears mumbling as Connie covers her phone, and looks down to find out her shirt looks like she’s killed something. Damn.

“Okay. She says she can. Do you need my address?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Connie.”    
“I’ll text it to you.”

“See you soon.”   
The call ends, and Jasper starts her car. The shirt is ruined anyway, so she takes it off, sitting in her sports bra. She knows she looks fucking weird to everyone else, but what can she do? Connie’s text comes in, and she opens Maps. Letting it direct her to Connie’s, she calms herself down as she drives. 

When she gets there, Jasper knows she looks awful, but there’s nothing else she can do. She puts her shirt back on, and gets out of her car. Connie opens the door when she knocks, and gasps.

“Jasper! What happened?”

“I got in a fight, okay?”

“Come in, I’ll get my mom.”

Connie leads Jasper in, setting her down in the kitchen (over the tiled floor) and calls for her mother. She comes in, and her eyes widen at the sight of Jasper, covered in blood.

“Hi, Dr. Maheswaran…”

“Hello. Broken nose, huh?”

“Yeah. I was… boxing. And my parents aren’t home.”

Jasper knows she’s a terrible liar, but she does it anyway. Dr. Maheswaran doesn’t look impressed as she gently tilts Jasper’s face this way and that way, prodding at it too. It hurts, and she sighs.

“You’re fine. It’s going to keep hurting, and you’re going to have a little bump in your nose, but you don’t need surgery or anything. Don’t, ah, box for a while, okay?“

Jasper nods. 

“Thank you.”

“Go home and get some ice, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.”

Connie goes to the freezer, opening it up and getting an ice pack. She hands it to Jasper, who sighs. 

“Thanks again.”

Dr. Maheswaran nods, giving her a “you're welcome”, and Jasper stands up. 

“I should get going. I'll see you later, Connie.”

“I'll walk you out.”

Jasper smiles, and they go out to her car.

“Tell me who punched you!”

“It was Garnet, okay? We ran into each other and she pissed me off.”

Connie shakes her head.

“That wasn’t smart of you.”

“I know,” Jasper says, and sighs. “I gotta go, Connie. Thank you so much, okay?” Connie nods, and pats her arm in lieu of a hug. She turns and goes inside as Jasper gets in her car. 


	8. the truth is the stars are falling babe

She doesn’t know where she can go, so she just drives. She doesn’t know where to, she just is. She ends up on the highway as the sun sets, and stares at the stars in the east. She smiles, and pulls over to the shoulder of the road. Getting out, she lays out the picnic blanket she had kept in her car ever since their first date, and flops down. Lying on her back, she stares at the stars.  _ “We’re so small, Jasper,”  _ she remembers Peridot saying, and suddenly, she understands. The sky is so vast in front of her, and all she can think about is how insignificant she feels. There’s thousands of worlds out there, why does her own matter so much? She got kicked out, her father is an asshole- so what? What matters when the whole universe is so damn big?

She feels so lonely. She laces her fingers together, but her hands are big and rough and- not Peri’s. Now that she’s having her own existential crisis, Jasper misses Peri so badly. She understands now, why Peri needed company so much late at night. God, if she went through this every night, Jasper doesn’t understand how Peri could even function. No wonder she didn’t sleep.

Jasper wonders if she sleeps now, all by herself so far away- it hurts, it hurts so much to think about it. She sits up a little, taking her phone out of her pocket. No calls, no messages. Just like normal. Jasper lies back down, and tries to remember the constellations Peri had taught her, the one night they had stayed out in the pool until dark. 

She feels like she’s drowning, out here all by herself. It takes a while, but she lets herself forget everything and just stare at the stars. Her phone rings, and it startles her out of her trance. It’s Peri, and she sits up to hug herself as she answers.

“Hey.’

Peri’s voice is so small and quiet.

“Hi.”

“What’s up?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

Jasper tries to be teasing as she asks “Thinking about space?” but her heart stops when Peri replies “I was thinking about you.”

“Oh.”

She hears a tiny laugh, and smiles. 

“How was your day?”

Jasper panics for a second, coaching herself into lying.

“It was fine. I.. went to the gym.”

“Yeah?”

She doesn’t know if Peridot not noticing that she was lying is good or bad. Peri  _ always  _ knows when she’s lying. 

“Yup. I was running for a while, and it felt really nice.”

“I’m glad.”

She softens her voice as she asks “How are you doing?” and tries to ignore how much her heart hurts. Peri takes a little breath before replying, in a hushed voice: “I miss you. I miss home- I just want to be with you, Jasp.”

“I know. I know, Peri. We’re gonna be okay.”

“I  _ love you _ ,” she says, in the most reverent tone, and Jasper hugs herself tighter. “I love you too.”

“No, like I love you and I'm so grateful I have you and-” she pauses and Jasper is pretty sure she's crying, “you're so good to me. You're amazing.”

“Shh, Peri, it’s okay. I’m gonna see you soon.”

“Not soon enough.” Her voice breaks, and Jasper has never wanted anything like she wants to be holding Peri right now. “I know.” They sit in silence for a moment, until Jasper’s phone vibrates. “Peri, I need to go. I love you-  _ so _ much. Call me soon, okay?”

“I love you too. I will. Bye, Jasp.”

The call ends, and Jasper flops back down onto her back. Her phone vibrates again, and it’s a text from her mom.

[Mom: You can come home.]

[Mom: Please do.] 

She doesn’t want to, but she’ll do it for her mom. She drives home, switching the radio stations every time a love song comes on.  

\--

Jasper pulls up to her house, and the living room light is on. She sighs, getting out, and tries not to stomp up to the door. Going in, she locks the door behind her and goes around the corner into the living room. Her mom is sitting in a chair, asleep. The anger Jasper still held melted away as she went over, gently shaking her mom awake.

“Jasper?”

“Hi, Mom.”

Her eyes get huge, and she reaches up to touch Jasper’s face. “What happened to your nose?” she asks, and Jasper lets her poke at the bruises. “I ran into someone I don’t like. I’m sorry about it.” Her mom sighs deeply, and Jasper feels like a child, chastised without words. Jasper  knows she’s disappointed, and is disappointed in herself for it. Whatever. She has a question, and wants to ask it. 

“Mom?”

Her mom smiles tiredly.

“Yeah?”

“Why have you stayed with Dad?”

The silence weighs heavily between them, but after a moment, she looks up at Jasper.

“Because I didn’t know what else to do, sweetie. I knew he wasn’t the best person when I married  him, but I didn’t know it would get worse. I wanted to love him, but we had you and he was so stubborn about… everything. And then- he wanted so much of you. I don’t know when I realized that he wasn’t who I wanted to be with, but by then a divorce would have been ugly. He would have taken it out on you, Jasper. I didn’t want that to happen.”

Jasper nods slowly, processing the information. It doesn’t feel great to be the reason her mom stayed with such an awful person. She understands, of course, but some part of her is blaming herself. 

She's too fuckin tired for this.  “Mom, I'm gonna head to bed,” she says, leaning down to hug her.  “I love you,” she responds, and Jasper smiles. “I love you too.” She heads downstairs, and closes her door gently. She slowly changes into new clothes, throwing the bloodstained shirt away. Jasper gets into bed, and wraps her arms around a pillow. She wishes it was Peri, and falls asleep thinking about her.


	9. distance makes the heart grow fonder (said by someone stronger than me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!

Peri spends her days sleeping. Whenever her relatives aren’t dragging her out of the house, it’s back to bed for her. It’s not even a restful sleep, most of of the time- she wakes up just as crushingly tired. 

That’s how she ends up calling Jasper at ridiculous times in the evening, falling back into needing company at night. It’s even worse now- her existential crises have become even bigger. She contemplates her identity, her family, what she wants out of life. She ends up at the same conclusions every time- she just wants to be with Jasper. Logically, that’s not all, but it’s all her heart wants. Peridot can’t believe she’s turned into this emotional mess- up until Jasper, she scoffed at the idea of the “heart” wanting something. The heart is an organ that pumps blood. It doesn’t want anything. But she understands. There’s an ache in her chest that seems like it does come from her heart. She feels like she can finally understand all those ridiculous YA romance novels she had read in middle school. But she’s starting to fade, and she wants to call Jasper before she falls asleep again. She gets up, tiptoeing over to Mirah’s side of the room to borrow her phone, and goes back to her bed with it.  

Peridot melts at the sound of her voice.

"Peri, Peri, hi. Can you talk tonight or do you just need me to talk?"   


She sighs shakily with a sudden rush of tears, closing her eyes and trying to pretend she isn't so far away from that voice. "I can talk a little." Jasper must hear the tears in her tone, speaking to her so softly.   


"I'm glad. Are you alright? As much as you can be?"   


She can't do it. The gentle question hurts. She sniffles, wrapping her free arm around herself.   


"I’m okay, I just- want to be with you so bad, Jasp, I- I can't do it without you."   


"Shh, Peri, don’t say that. You can do anything, and you can get through this. It just takes time, okay? We'll be alright."   


"Okay."   


"Believe me. You’re gonna be fine, and- I love how strong and smart and stubborn you are. I love you."   


"I love you too, Jasper, I love you so much."   


Peridot curls into herself, sighing. She feels- kind of better, after Jasper’s reassurance.

“How was your day?”

“It was alright. I went and worked out with Jade- you know, from hockey. It was really nice.”

“That’s great. I remember her, she’s cool.”

“Yeah. What about you?”

“Um- Mirah made me go to the mall with her. That’s it, really.”

Her stomach rumbles, and Peridot suddenly realizes she slept through dinner. Despite the lack of food, she doesn’t actually feel hungry.

Jasper seems to be waiting for more, pausing on the other end before she replies.

“Oh. I’m glad, you should be out and about.”

Peridot laughs a little. “Yeah,” she says, and the creak of something, somewhere in the house makes her heart rate spike. She slides down in her blankets, lowering her voice. Despite the panic in her mind, she’s grateful for these phone calls. 

“Jasp- I should go. Thank you.”

“Uh- you’re welcome, I guess.” Her voice gets gentle, and Peridot wants to cry again. “I love you, Peri.”

“I love you too. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Bye, Jasper.”

Peridot hangs up, freezing as she listens for- anything. There’s nothing. Just the peculiar silence of a house where everyone else is asleep. She eventually falls asleep again, thinking about how much she misses- everything. Jasper at her back, her soft breathing and even snoring. Her warmth. 

\--

Two months pass in a similar fashion. Peridot sleeps through a lot of it. Her calls to Jasper get her through the nights. And after what feels like forever, it’s time for her to go home. 

Peridot packs silently, heart fluttering in her chest. Mirah sits down beside her, quiet for a moment.

“You’ll invite me to your wedding, right? It’ll probably be the only gay wedding I ever get to go to.”

Peridot freezes, processing what her cousin just said. 

“Wh-what?” Her voice is so small, and Mirah smiles at her, trying to comfort her.

“I know Jasper is a girl. I’ve known since before you were here.”

“Why did you let me think you didn’t know?”

“I wanted you to be comfortable with me. You needed someone to trust, Peridot, and like I said- a relationship isn’t a crime. I don’t care who you’re with, you didn’t deserve this.”

Peridot can’t help a sniffle, and glances at Mirah.

“Mirah, you- you don’t know what that means to me, I-”

“It was nothing. I’m serious though- I’m coming to your wedding.”

Peridot laughs, continuing her packing. Her hands shake a little as the panic lessens. 

“What makes you so sure we’re getting married?”

“The way you talk to her. You sound so in love, Peridot… I’m jealous.”

She smiles. 

“Well, I hope you find someone. Just don’t let your parents find out.”

Mirah’s eyes go wide before she laughs, unsure if it was okay to. Peridot nods at her, smile turning bitter as she looks back down. 

\--

That night, she calls Jasper, just to let her know she was coming home. Their last phone call is long and quiet as they say everything they need to. 

“Hey. I’ll see you at school, okay? How are we going to not let your parents know we’re rooming together?”

She appreciates the “we”. 

“I won’t let them come in with me. Or if they do, I’ll text you. I think they’ll give me my phone back soon. After all, I’ve been behaving well here.”

Her tone takes on a sarcastic note at the end, and Jasper winces.

“I know. It’ll be fine. I’m so excited to see you, Peri.”

She smiles.

“Me too.”

They talk for a little while, but Peridot gets too tired to continue. She says goodnight, and hangs up.

She can’t wait to go home.


	10. i'll crawl home to her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of the fic is shaping up well! I have no estimated end date or chapter count, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually. I'm sorry I don't post much, I work a lot.   
> Also, next chapter will be short and sweet. Just a little break before some heavy stuff.

Peridot feels numb throughout her last days in her hometown. It doesn’t quite feel real, being back at home. She and her parents shove three months of shopping into two weeks, making sure she has new school supplies and things for her dorm room. 

One day, they’re at some store, doing something important of course, but Peridot doesn’t really know what. She nods when her mother asks a question, but her head feels fuzzy and her chest is cold. It’s strange, and she finds herself staring into space. 

“Look, don’t you think that boy is cute?”

Peridot actually hears the question, and looks. He’s decent, and she likes his plaid shirt, but otherwise… “Yeah, he is,” she says, and bites back “Jasper is cuter”. 

Her father grumbles about the cost of everything at once, and Peridot doesn’t respond, because her only response is to mention how it wasn’t her choice to leave.

They don’t give her the electronics they took back, and she’s left with no way to contact Jasper. It’s lonely during the day, when her parents are at work. It’s not like she wants to be around them at all, but they’re better than nothing. Being left alone with her thoughts is hard. She doesn’t feel old enough for college. She had thought she was ready, but that was- before. Now Peridot feels small and unsure and terrified of life. If she couldn’t handle her summer, what can she handle? She doesn’t get a lot of sleep. Her ceiling becomes a familiar sight once more, creating a backdrop for her circling thoughts. She wonders what Jasper would tell her to be comforting

It never quite occurs to her that Jasper might need comforting too.

\--

Jasper’s life is work, the gym, and sleep. Her father doesn’t speak to her. He hardly looks at her. Her mom never mentions it. Jasper suspects it was hard enough to convince her father to let her come home. 

Her mom has the occasional crying jag over the fact that “my baby is going to  _ college _ ”, and all Jasper feels is absolute dread towards the thought of school and a mix of feelings about Peridot. She’s excited, God, she’s so ready to see her, but she’s terrified that something will be different in their relationship. She tries not to think about it.

\--

Peridot’s parents finally give her her phone and electronics on the drive to the school. “We’re doing this because we trust you,” her mother says, and Peridot smiles and nods. She still doesn’t understand how they think she’s changed. 

\-- 

On the day she leaves for school, Jasper decides to dignify her father with a “bye, Dad,” as she and her mom are going out the door. He doesn’t dignify her goodbye with a response. It hits her for the first time that there won’t be a buffer between her parents anymore. She nearly trips on a step, but then it comes to her- maybe her mom will stand up for herself now. She quickly gets distracted from that thought, as she has to say goodbye to her car. At school, she won’t need it, but it’s her baby. Her mom laughs at her when she sighs deeply, resting on the door of her car.

“What? Don’t laugh at me!”

Her mom shakes her head.

The trip isn’t too long, and they pass the time with stories and “I’ll miss you”s. Jasper promises to call often, and it makes her mom smile.  They get to the school, and Jasper picks up her orientation information. Her mom helps her bring her stuff into her room, and they hug it out. She finally leaves, wiping her tears away, and Jasper flops down onto her new bed. She’s looking forward to one thing.The atmosphere feels so awkward- it’s empty and quiet in here. Her phone buzzes.   
She’s never fumbled for it so fast, heart suddenly pounding.

It’s her.

[peridorito ♡ : Convinced my parents to not come in with me. I’ll be there soon.]

Jasper can’t breathe. Finally, finally, she gets to see Peri. They don’t have to call each other at 3am, scared and hushed voices getting each other through the night. They can be together.

[jasper: mk]

She knows she should send more, but she doesn’t know how to express her emotions in just a text. It’s hard, to realize that Peri’s going to be different. Jasper already knows that her summer has affected her- she sounds so quiet and small on the phone, it’s so sad. 

She spends a little while playing on her phone, but her heartrate spikes when the door begins to open. Jasper trips over herself to stand up, almost falling over as she sees Peridot and oh God, Peri is  _ tiny _ . She pushes the door open timidly, bags and something more weighing her shoulders down.  The shadows under her eyes are darker than Jasper’s ever seen them, worse even than finals week. Peridot drops her bags, staring at Jasper like she’s a dream. 

She promptly bursts into tears, and Jasper is near tears herself, going closer and holding her girlfriend for the first time in months. She can feel Peri sobbing, pressing herself into her chest. Jasper rests her head on hers, gentle hands rubbing her back. Peridot cries into her shirt, so grateful to be with her that her heart hurts. 

“I  _ missed you _ ,” she says, and Jasper only holds her tighter. “I know.” Peri pulls back, hands roaming as if she's trying to make sure she's real. She doesn’t feel the joy at being together again, she feels the pain and loneliness and fear built up in her mind over the time spent apart. She’s mainly afraid that her parents will come in at any second, despite the fact that she saw them drive away. She hiccups, turning to look at the door. Jasper’s hands follow the movement of her hips, unwilling to let go. 

“Can we close the door?”

“Sure,” she says, moving quickly to do as Peridot asked. She turns back around, and they stare at each other. Peri is still crying, and Jasper’s heart hurts to see her in tears. “Here, let’s sit down.” Jasper takes her hand, and they settle onto one of the beds. Peridot fits just like she used to in Jasper’s arms, and she feels like she’s finally home. For one amazing moment, she feels like she can be happy. 


	11. if you love me don't let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you it'd be short and sweet! However, the next chapters will not be.

Peridot sits next to Jasper, cuddled into her side. Jasper’s hands trace the bones of her body just like they used to. Her fingertips lightly touch her skin, following her ribs, her hipbone, her thigh. Peridot is content with just being around Jasper, but the sudden need to be held hits her. She picks up Jasper’s arm, curling it around herself after climbing into her lap. Jasper says nothing, but wraps her arms around Peri and puts her chin on her head. Peridot buries her face in Jasper, breathing in her usual smells. It feels like nothing has changed, and everything has changed. Peridot feels like a different person, and she has a feeling that Jasper knows. She just- wants to make it work. Deciding not to think about that, she closes her eyes, Jasper continuing to gently touch her.

They stay like that for a long time, Peri holding Jasper in a crushingly tight hug. She finally lets go when she starts to get uncomfortable, tugging at Jasper’s jacket.

“Can we lie down?”

“Of course.”

Jasper kisses her head, scooting back on the bed. She shifts onto her side, stretching out her arm. Peridot follows, settling in as close to Jasper as possible. 

“I love you,” she breathes out, finding Jasper’s hand and clutching it. Jasper nuzzles the back of her head, responding in a whisper. They stay together, Peridot finally relaxing in Jasper’s arms. 

“Can we stay like this forever?”

Jasper laughs.

“Wouldn’t that be nice? Um, no can do though. I’m squished really bad.”

Peridot immediately sits up, scooting over. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she says, and Jasper reaches for her. 

"No, no, you’re fine. Come back.” 

Peridot smiles gently, loving the fact that she was with her. “Hey, why don’t we push the beds together? We’ll have room.” Jasper grins back at her. 

“Perfect.”

They, or, Jasper, moves the beds together. Sitting down together, they look at each other for a long moment. Jasper touches her face, moving closer. Peridot tilts her head up, watching Jasper with her green eyes.

“Your eyes are beautiful,” Jasper whispers as she leans in. They kiss, and Peridot feels like she is home.


	12. close your eyes and i'll close mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the song the title is from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KZdzoCPZGE It's a good song! I take a lot of inspiration from it.  
> Also, again, happy birthday Alicia!

Peridot is different. It’s not like Jasper expected anything else, but- she certainly hoped for it. She hoped Peri would be at least okay. She isn’t.

\--

“Where's my phone?”

Jasper barely looks up from her homework, not hearing the note of panic in Peridot’s voice. “I don't know, Peri. You had it before you fell asleep.” Peri searches the blankets, hands shaking. Not finding it on top of the bed, she rips the blankets off to look underneath. It gets Jasper’s attention, and she turns around to look. Peri looks frantic, and Jasper goes over to help. “It's okay, Peri, you just had it.” 

“Are you- are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Slightly comforted by Jasper’s surety, Peri slows down, and lifts up the pillow. Her phone is underneath, and she sighs. “God- okay. I got it. Sorry…” Jasper touches her arm, barely veiling her concern. “You don't need to apologize. I'm glad you found it.” Peri turns suddenly, pressing herself into Jasper and trying to calm her shaky breaths.

\--

Peridot is a small person. She's always been skinny, small frame not holding a lot, but- Jasper is worried. She's even skinnier now, and picks at her  food. 

“Peri?”

Peri glances up, giving her a slight smile that doesn't reach her eyes. “Yeah?” 

“Will you eat more than that?” Jasper nods at her plate. Peridot looks down, staring at the sandwich she's eaten about a quarter of. “Oh. Sorry, I don't have much of an appetite.” 

“I  _ know _ ,” she mutters, and Peridot pauses before taking another bite. “What?” Jasper smiles at her. “Nothing, Peri. Just- please eat.” She nods, mouth full, and Jasper reaches for her hand.

She ignores the fact that Peridot only eats another couple bites.

\--

[peridorito ♡: Meet you outside of the cafeteria? Sorry I’m just hungry we don’t have to]

Jasper sighs when she reads her text. She wishes that Peri would stop saying “sorry” so much. 

[jasper: no prob peri. be there soon]

She taps her foot impatiently, waiting for her professor to be done talking. She’s the first person up when the lecture ends, headed out the door with rushed steps. The walk to the cafeteria isn’t long, but she stops when she gets there. 

There’s a slight figure on a bench, almost folded into herself as she looks down at a book. She looks up nervously, glancing around with quick motions. Logically, Jasper knows it’s Peri, but she just- seems so different. Her posture makes her look even smaller, tucked into the corner of the bench. She’s wearing her glasses, as she does more often now, almost as if she’s trying to hide behind the large frames.

Jasper barely recognizes her anymore.

“Hey, Peri,” she calls out, walking to her with an easy smile. Peridot jumps at the sound of her voice, and nervously laughs to ease her tension. 

“Hi, Jasper. Ready to go?”

“Yup.”

Jasper slings her arm around her like normal, but her smile falls when Peri can’t see her face anymore. Peridot’s shoulders are bony underneath her jacket.

\--

Jasper falls asleep unintentionally, with the light on and Peridot at her desk, at midnight. It’s comforting for her, to fall asleep when someone else is awake. It kind of wakes her when Peridot comes over to turn the light off and stops to kiss her forehead. Jasper only mumbles something and rolls over, and Peridot smiles at her before returning to her homework.

She completely wakes up a few hours later, jeans starting to get too uncomfortable. She sits up, confused when she sees Peridot still at the desk.

“Peri?”

“Yeah?”

“Wha- what time is it?” She yawns halfway through her question, and Peridot smiles at her. 

“It’s around three.”

Jasper stares at her.

“Why are you still up?”

Peridot shrugs.

“I have to finish this assignment.”

“Peri. Just go to bed, okay? The assignment will be there in the morning.”

Peridot chews on her lip. Her mind spirals into “what if”s. But Jasper is looking at her with barely veiled concern and worry and fear, and she can't say no to her.

She nods. “Okay.” She turns to shut her computer off, and gets up to change. Jasper does the same, swapping jeans for shorts and a shirt for a sweater. Peridot puts on an old hoodie that Jasper suspects was raided from her own closet. They get into bed, Jasper taking her usual place of big spoon. She wraps her arms around Peri, feeling her sigh as she nestles into her. “I love you,” Jasper tells her, and Peri responds in a low voice. 

\---

Jasper rubs her back, trying to be comforting, but stops.

“Peri, you’re really tense…”

Peridot barely responds, just a small “am I?”. Jasper starts to actually rub her back, using her thumbs and the strength in her hands to get the tension out of her shoulders.

“That feels really good, but- you don’t have to, Jasper, I’m fine,” Peri says, and Jasper sighs a little.

“No, shh, I want to. It’s okay.”

\--

Peridot looks so tired. Exhaustion weighs her down, tiny shoulders sagging. Jasper holds her for a moment, pressing kisses to her face. But Peri pulls away, headed to the beds they had shoved together. She watches as she picks up Jasper’s blanket, lies down, and completely covers herself. An arm sticks out to grab a pillow, and it disappears underneath the blanket. Jasper wants to cry. She grabs a textbook and sits on the bed next to the lump, and lets  her hand rest on what she thinks is Peri’s hip. She does her best to read, but her foot is shaking on the floor. While reading, she takes notes and marks important parts. Peri really did rub off on her. 

After a while, she gets tired of trying and failing. She goes to get up, bed creaking, and Peridot jumps up, blanket falling to her shoulders. She looks so afraid  that Jasper’s scared herself for a moment. “It's just me.” She stares at her, slowly relaxing. 

“Oh.”

“Go back to sleep, Peri. You're okay.”

Despite the love in her voice, Jasper is close enough to kiss her forehead, and she does. Peridot closes her eyes and settles back down.

Jasper stares at the blanketed lump that is her girlfriend. She doesn't know what to do. After a moment, she leaves the room. She doesn’t know that when the door closes, the sound startles Peri out of her rest again.

\--

Jasper is pretty sure that Peridot hasn't been wearing her own clothes. Jeans, sure. They didn't, or couldn't, share pants. Jasper's thunder thighs made sure of that. But Peri has adopted all of Jasper’s jackets. Jasper had coaxed her nice leather jacket away from her, but the hoodies were a lost cause. She always has one on, hiding underneath the layer. Jasper only gets them back when they completely smell like Peri. They do a back and forth of hoodies, something that's been happening for years. But now, as with most things, it's worse. Peri hardly ever wears anything different than a hoodie and jeans.

\--

Jasper doesn’t know what to do. How could she point it all out without making it seem like an attack? She  _ knows  _ that if she said “Peri, we need to talk,” she would jump to the conclusion that Jasper wanted to break up. That’s just how she is right now, and it’s not good for either of them. Jasper spends so much time picking up Peri’s pieces that she hasn’t had the chance to pick up her own.

Trying to focus, she stares at her textbook. It’s biology, a course Peri took in high school, and- maybe she could explain, because the words on the page sound like someone took a word generator and threw it into a sentence.

“Hey, Peri?”

Receiving no response, she turns from her book to look at the desk. Peridot is asleep, face planted on a notebook. Jasper sighs, entire body shuddering with the movement, and gets up to move her. 

“Sleep in a bed, dork.”

She takes the pencil from her loose grip, ignoring the angry sound Peri makes. Jasper’s used to her sleepy grumpiness. 

“Come on.”

Jasper half carries her to the bed, moving her things so Peri can lie down. She sleepily grabs at her, pulling slightly. 

“I’ll come to bed soon, okay?”

A mumbled “...kay.” is all she gets. Jasper returns to her studying after she’s sure Peri is sleeping, but she doesn’t get much further. After a while, she decides to get a snack. Having something to munch on always helped her, right? 

Jasper leaves their room, grabbing her wallet and a key. The hallway is dead quiet. Everyone is either asleep or studying, she guesses. Soon enough, she sees the light of the vending machines. Deciding what to get is always such a chore. Does she want chips or candy? Sour or sweet? Crunchy or soft? Maybe she wants a drink?

Her phone vibrates, and it scares Jasper out of her decision making. She looks at it, and- why is Peri calling? She left like, two minutes ago.

“Yeah?”

Peridot's voice holds a note of panic. 

“Where are you?”

“Um, down at the vending machines. Are you okay?”

Peridot audibly sighs.

“Sorry, I got freaked out when I woke up and you weren’t there. I shouldn’t have called-”

“You’re fine. Want anything?” Jasper asks, voice light. She just- can’t stand to hear Peri keep apologizing. Peri laughs, and it’s a nice sound to hear.  

“Not unless you want to buy me Mountain Dew and Doritos.”

“You can have one.”

“...Doritos.”

“Alright, I’ll buy you Doritos. Should I get a cookie or gummy worms?”

“Gummy worms.”

Jasper laughs, and for a moment, she feels like they’re still just dumb high schoolers. “I’ll be back in a minute,” she says, and Peridot says goodbye. Once she’s hung up, Jasper lets her head fall against the vending machine. She doesn’t fucking care about cookies or gummy worms. She cares that her girlfriend is a mess of a human being, even more than she already was. She cares that nothing is the same anymore. She cares, she cares.   


What is she supposed to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, leave me a comment if you liked it! I'm really trying to display Peridot's trauma and the effects of it in a realistic way, so I hope it's working. Don't worry though, I'll get to Jasper's problems too.


	13. i'll do what it takes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced is "She Keeps Me Warm" by Mary Lambert. I seriously recommend it.

Jasper just wants to run an errand. She’s out of conditioner, dammit. And she’s already wet because she had forgotten about it until trying to shower. She’s a little grumpy, too. She's listening to a playlist of favorites as she walks, the music turning into background noise.

But one particular song comes on, and it makes her pay attention. It’s just piano for a moment, but a voice joins in. “ _ She says I smell like safety and home _ ,” and Jasper realizes. It’s that one girl, from that one terrible rap song. She listens, carefully. It’s rare to hear anything other than girls singing about boys, or boys singing about girls. It’s obnoxious, honestly. It may not be awful to hear anything about love anymore, but sometimes she still can’t stand love songs. But the song continues, and she doesn’t mind it. It’s even- relatable. The refrain of “ _ I can’t change, even if I tried _ ” makes her really emotional. Jasper finds herself stopping, moving out of the way, just to listen to this song. “ _ She says that people stare ‘cause we look so good together _ ,” and suddenly, she’s crying. She doesn’t even know why, but- oh, she knows why. Jasper is crying because the song reminds her so deeply of Peri. Her Peri, her love. She  _ knows _ Peri isn’t doing well, and she’s scared. There it is. Jasper, of all people, is scared. Peridot is so small and nervous and- something is still wrong. The summer is over but things aren’t back to normal yet. She almost spirals into thinking more about it, but the repetition of “ _ love is patient, love is kind _ ” makes her feel better. Jasper already knows what she can do. She can love Peri, love her and help her and be careful with her. Whatever it takes.

But maybe- maybe Peri needs a push in the right direction. Jasper knows that Peri is absurdly content with her own suffering- after all, Peri had feelings for her for  _ months _ before anything happened, and implied she would have never said anything. Peridot isn’t going to see that she needs help. She’s stubborn, and ridiculous, and independent and Jasper loves her for it, but in this case- God, she wishes Peri could see things from another perspective. She’ll just have to take care of it.  Like a lot of things. 


	14. i'd love to help you dear / but i'm pulling out my own hair

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Jasper stands up from the desk, fingers tangled in her hair. She paces, breathing uneven. Peridot comes in from the bathroom, rubbing her wet hair with a towel.

“Jasp?”

She pulls her fingers through her hair, bringing loose strands with them. Peridot watches with worry.

“What?” Her tone is biting, and she immediately regrets the misplaced anger. “Sorry, Peri. What is it?”

“What's wrong?”

“Everything!”

Peri looks at her carefully. Is Jasper- is Jasper anxious? More than that, she's panicking. She uses a calm voice, hoping to bring Jasper down.

“Not everything is wrong. Are you okay?”

Jasper sighs raggedly, curling her fingers and digging her nails into her hands. She talks without pause, panic high in her voice. Once or twice, she angrily brushes her hands over her eyes.

“My grades _suck_ and I just failed a test and probably everything else and I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I have to take care of you and you're not doing well and I'm so _scared_!”

Peridot is speechless. She- she had no idea. She didn't know that Jasper, her girlfriend, her most important person, was struggling. They're both teary by the time Jasper stops, breathless. Peri takes her hand, leading her to their bed, and pats the space next to her when she sits. Jasper follows, and puts her head on Peri’s shoulder. They sit together, Peridot looping her arms around her.

Jasper calms, slowly. Peridot waits it out with her, rubbing her back and intentionally breathing slowly in hopes Jasper would match it. Eventually, Jasper pulls away, sighing.

“God, that was embarrassing,” she says. Peridot is horrified.

“No, no, it's okay. You're okay. Isn't that what you keep telling me?” Peri gently touches her hair, stroking it back out of her face. “Jasp…”

Peri pauses, trying to come up with something to say.

“We all have bad moments. You- you don't have to be so strong for me all the time. I didn’t even _know_ you were this stressed out.”

Jasper is silent. She rests her head on Peri’s shoulder for a moment, before getting up.

“I’m gonna go to the gym.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Jasper kisses her forehead and leaves. Peridot doesn’t stop her. She doesn’t know how. Some part of her is aware that a year or even a few months ago she would have never let her go without talking it out. But now- everything is different.


	15. only a fool would want me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is emotionally heavy, just so you know.

Time passes, and things don’t get better. Jasper had hoped to wait it out, but it seems like Peri is only getting worse.

\--

Jasper comes into their room, towel thrown over her shoulder and hair wet. Fresh from a workout, she’s excited to see Peri and relax.

“Hey, Per- what’s all this?”

Their room is covered in papers, with Peri in the middle of it. She doesn’t even look up, and her voice is sharp. “I’m organizing. Don’t touch anything!” she says, and Jasper jumps away from a precarious pile.

“Oh. Alright.”

She looks at the bed- there’s no room to sit. The desk is covered too. She sits down on the floor, and waits.

Later that night, Jasper yawns, long and loud. She rolls over, light from the desk bothering her.

“Peri? Come to bed, it’s late.”

“What? No. I’m busy.”

Peridot’s sharp tone _hurts_. Jasper stares at her back, processing the biting words. She rolls back over without a word. Peri doesn’t get into bed until much later, and Jasper is still awake, dwelling. She doesn’t like the way things are- the way Peri lashes out when she’s interrupted, the way she gets anxious when Jasper is only a few minutes late. She doesn’t know how she can continue letting their issues go. It seems like Peri doesn’t want to acknowledge them, and on one hand, she’d do anything for her. Anything at all to help, to make her feel better.. On the other, she needs help herself. Her classes are too much- she needs the support from Peri that she used to have, and on top of the stress of school, she’s stressed over taking care of Peri. And they both need more help than the other can give.

\--

After class, Peridot just wants to meet Jasper in the cafeteria, get something to eat, and go back to their room. She walks towards her girlfriend and- her heart stops when she sees a girl sitting next to Jasper, looking up at her like she’s something amazing. It’s a familiar look, because it’s on her face all the time. Jasper looks vaguely uncomfortable as the girl puts her hand on her thigh, but Peridot doesn’t register it. She wears a sickly sweet smile as she comes up to them, veiling her anger as she leans over the table to kiss Jasper’s cheek in greeting.

“Who’s your friend?”

Peridot settles in the chair next to Jasper, aggressively taking her hand.

“I’m Coral. Nice to meet you.”

Coral, now in the presence of Jasper’s obvious girlfriend, has given her space. She smiles at Peridot, a little sheepish. Jasper sits in between them, feeling the tension. They talk for a moment, discussing classes and majors. After that, Coral says goodbye, heading off to somewhere Peridot doesn’t care about.

Jasper puts her arm around her, hoping she’s not mad.  
“How was your day?”

“Fine,” she says, shrugging Jasper’s arm off and standing up. “Let’s get back to our room.”

She’s mad. Jasper walks behind her, trying to come up with something to say.

“Peri, don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Yes, you are. Some girl was hitting on me and you’re mad about it. She stopped when you showed up, what more do you want?”

Peridot ignores the bit about being mad.

“What if I hadn’t showed up?”

She unlocks their door, shoving it open and letting it almost hit Jasper.

“I would have told her that I have a girlfriend. Who I _love_.”

Peri is silent. Jasper sighs, sitting down on the bed. She wracks her brain for anything to say, trying to remedy the situation. She only finds something to make it worse.

“What, do you not _trust_ me?”

The hurt is plain in her voice, and Peridot turns to look at her.

“I trust you!”

“There has to be something. What is it?” she asks, and she sees the reluctance in Peri’s face. “ _Please_.”

“You’ll think it’s dumb.”

“I won’t.”

Jasper’s voice is confident, but Peridot can’t look at her. “I’m- so _afraid_ of losing you,” she says, voice shaking, tears welling up in her eyes, spilling over with a sob. It kills Jasper to let her cry, but she’s not coming to her, and she won’t force it. It takes her a moment to talk again, and the words spill out, breaths in between coming out like sobs. “I’m always scared of being without you. What if you find someone who _isn't_ sad and needy? What would I do then?”

“Peri.”

Jasper reaches out for her.  The words spill out of her mouth before she can stop them.

“Can we talk about something?”

Peridot stops a few steps from her. The fear on her face is horrible, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I’m _not_ breaking up with you. I’m not. Come on, Peri, please trust me.”

Jasper holds out her hand, and she takes it. They sit on the bed together, facing each other and holding hands. She’s suddenly reminded of how they started dating, scared and excited at the same time. Now, they’re just scared.

“So, um, I’ve been meaning to bring this up for a while.” Jasper knows that she’s just adding to Peridot’s anxiety as she drags it out, but she needs to build the subject up a little. “I- I really think we should talk about it. About- how you’ve been since you got back.”

She notices how Peri’s hands are trembling, and turns one over to gently stroke her thumb over her palm, hoping to calm her down. Her voice is soft, trying so hard to keep her words free of any offense.

“Okay, so you’ve been like. Really anxious and depressed, okay? Those are the right words. You’ve been jumpy and not eating and sad and sleeping all the time and I’m _worried_. I- I think we should both see someone.”

Peridot is silent. Jasper trips over her words, trying anything to get a response.

“It can’t be just me helping you and- sometimes it’s like you don’t want me to.”

Peridot gets off the bed, pacing a little. She’s still silent. Jasper’s voice is pleading as she adds “please talk to me”.

“Why don’t you just _break up with me_?” Peridot’s voice is venomous, fingers tangled in her hair as she spins around to look at Jasper. Jasper doesn’t know what to say.  What is she even supposed to say to that? “You know, you’d be better off without me. Since I’m so much trouble for you,” she adds with a glare, and Jasper is absolutely heartbroken. She feels tears well up in her eyes, shock and hurt cold in her chest, and tries to get her words out.

“How could you say that to _me_ , Peridot? Haven’t I made it clear how much I care about you?”

Peri immediately looks down, mouth opening and closing as she struggles to justify herself, but stops trying. She trips over herself to go to Jasper as she sees tears on her face.

“No, no, Jasper. I don’t mean that. I’m sorry. I know you care about me,” she says. Jasper reaches out for her, still sitting on the bed, and brings her closer to rest her head on Peri’s chest. Peri strokes her hair, voice quiet. “It’s just so hard to feel like I deserve it.”

“You know that seeing someone would help with that eventually, right? I just- Peri, I don’t want to not be with you. I want you to feel better.” Her voice breaks every so often, and it’s hard to get her words out, but Peridot nods. Jasper continues: “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I try to be patient- and kind, and I want to love you so much that you stop hurting but I _can’t_ , Peri, that’s not how it works.”

“I know, I know, I’m _sorry_ ,” Peridot replies, her tears still falling, “I thought being around you would fix everything but it _hasn’t_ and I’m- sorry.”

Jasper has a loose hold on her waist, trying to comfort herself with touch. “No, it’s not your fault. You- went through so much. We both did.” Peridot nods.

“I know.”

Jasper’s voice becomes gentle. “You need to see someone, Peri. Please. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me. I love you too much to see you like this.”

Peridot sits down on the bed to kiss her. She tries to put her love and appreciation into it, letting her eyes close. After a moment, they part, and Peri just needs to be held. She settles closer to Jasper, and puts her head on her shoulder. Jasper pulls her close, hand on her hip.

She whispers “I’m sorry things are like this, Peri,” and Peri sighs.

“Yeah.”


	16. i will come back to life, but only for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long! School has absolutely kicked my ass, and RWBY has caught my attention. I promise I will do my best to finish this fic, no matter how long it takes me. I just have a few more gaps to fill before the end.

It’s like Peridot thinks Jasper would forget about their fight, forget that she had agreed to see someone. She’s said nothing, done nothing, in the few days since then. Jasper’s willing to give her time to process and convince herself that it was the right thing to do, but she has the suspicion that none of that was happening. 

After a day of thinking about it, Jasper sits up when Peri comes in. It still gives her butterflies when she sees the genuine smile that Peri gives her, but the fleetingness of it makes her determined. After a small “how was your day?” exchange, Jasper reaches out for her.

“Peri?”

Peri barely looks up at her from her bag. “Yeah?” she responds, and Jasper hates to take her by surprise.

“When are you going to call and make an appointment with someone?”

Peridot’s hands still. Her voice is small, but truthful.

“I don’t know.”

Jasper would never want to hurt Peri, but she’s never been so close to saying “that’s not good enough”. She tries to keep her voice soft,wanting to be supportive.

“Do you want me to call for you?”

“No…” Jasper knows there’s more, and waits for it. “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

Her voice is a whisper as she keeps her head down

“Everything.”

“Peri…”

She looks up, eyes a little shiny. “I’m  _ sorry _ ,” she says, and Jasper hurts. 

“Don’t apologize, I’m not upset with you. Come here, Peri.”

Peri gets up, shaky, and goes over to Jasper. She pulls her into her arms, and Peridot lays her head on Jasper’s shoulder with a sigh. They sit together, quiet. Jasper kisses her forehead before breaking the silence.

“I know it’s scary. But you have to get help, Peri. If you were sick, you would go to the doctor. Why wouldn’t you do the same for this?”

She takes a moment to respond.   
“I know you’re right, but it’s so- it’s different.”

“How?”

Her silence is answer enough.

“You know you have to do this.”

When she takes a moment to reply, Jasper knows exactly what's going on in her head: she's thinking  _ what if I just- didn't? _ She pulls away to face her, hating the way Peri doesn't look at her.

“You can't avoid it. I'm not going to let you,” she says, voice gentle despite her stern words. Peridot glances at her. She wants to be angry, defensive, she wants to lash out and push Jasper away. She curbs the urge.

“I'm scared,” she repeats.

“I know, but Peri, I’m right here with you.”

She doesn’t reply, and Jasper hates to keep pressing, but she has to.

“You can call right now, you know.”

Peridot sighs, deep and heavy, starting to get annoyed. 

“Fine.” 

She gets up to grab her phone. Jasper is startled by how easily she agreed. She watches Peri Google their school’s health center, and her heart hurts when she sees how her hands shake as she presses the number. It rings for a moment, and the receptionist greets her.

“Hi, um, can I make an appointment with a counselor?”

Jasper tunes out the conversation, and focuses on Peridot. Her short, shaky breaths, the way she puts her head on Jasper’s shoulder. Soon enough, she hangs up, and puts a date into her calendar. Once that’s done, she fits herself closer to her. “I feel like I’m going to throw up,” she whispers into her shirt. Jasper rubs her back, gentle hands covering her skin.

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Why?”

“Because, Peri. I know you don’t feel like it, but.. You’re doing really well.”

She laughs a little.

“Wow, thanks.”

Jasper pokes her.

“Don’t give me that, I’m serious.”

Peridot sits up.

“I mean it. Thank you. For being here.”

Jasper kisses her cheek.

“I’m doing my job.”

\--

The appointment comes faster than Peridot would have liked. Then again, she would have preferred it to never happen. She purposefully scheduled it when neither of them had class, so that Jasper can come with her. 

She’s so grateful for her- she’s been so loving and gentle and protective of her. Peridot doesn’t know what she would do without her. 

Her phone rings with an alarm to let her know she needs to leave. Jasper looks up from her notebook with a small smile.

“Time to go?”

“Yeah.”

They leave their room, and Jasper holds her hand. It’s a short walk, and they sit down in the waiting room. A few minutes later, a woman comes out to greet her.

“Peridot?”

She stands up, twisting her hands together.

“Hi.”

The woman smiles warmly, and they shake hands.

“Hi, I’m Cat.”

Peridot gestures awkwardly to Jasper.

“Can my- can Jasper come along?”

“Sure!”

Jasper smiles at Cat, getting up. They follow her to an office, and she sits them down. Peridot’s hands shake, but Cat has a nice presence. And of course there’s Jasper, right next to her.

“So, what can I help you with?”

Peridot takes a deep breath, and starts. “Well, um, I guess I’m having some problems with- anxiety and depression and stuff. I cry all the time, I’ve lost a lot of weight, um…” Jasper touches her thigh, trying to comfort her. Cat nods.

“Do you know if there’s a reason these things have happened?”

Peridot looks down nervously, staring at Jasper’s hand against her dark leggings.

“Yeah. My parents found out about something, and they made me live with my relatives for the summer. I was pretty much isolated and scared, I guess.”

“I'm sorry that happened.”

Peridot smiles. 

“Thanks.”

They continue talking, Cat asking questions and Peri answering, but Jasper tunes it out. She watches Peri become more comfortable, relaxing in the new environment. Too soon, the appointment comes to an end, and Peri gets up, promising to schedule another one. As they leave, Jasper puts her arm around Peri’s shoulders. 

“So.”

“So?”

Peri glances up at her with a slight smile. Jasper smiles back, and thinks about what to say. 

“I think that went well. Right?”

Peri’s voice is quiet, but she agrees. “Right,” she says, and adds: “She was really nice.” Jasper feels like she could skip down the sidewalk. The hard part is over. 


	17. summer's on its deathbed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this is so short! I'm working on another project, but I wanted to get something out to make sure you guys were happy. I should have a Christmas drabble out sometime because holy shit I love Christmas. Until then, I hope you're all well.

“Where’s my phone?”

Peri’s voice is soft, lazy almost. She fumbles on the bed for it, absently patting the mattress.

“The desk is where you last had it,” Jasper replies, arm draped over her waist.

“Mm, yeah.”

She makes no move to get up. There is no panic in her voice. Jasper smiles.

\--

Jasper is dead tired, and she rests her head on her hand as Peri eats. Her eyes drift shut, and she jumps when Peri kicks her under the table and asks “Are you gonna eat that?”

“...No…”

Peri takes the half-eaten sandwich off her plate and bites into it, and before Jasper shuts her eyes again, she sees the self-satisfied look in Peridot’s face. 

\--

“Jasper. Jaaasper.”

Jasper opens an eye, annoyed. 

“What?”

“I’m hungry.”

Peridot is unapologetic as she pokes Jasper’s thigh. Jasper presses her face into her pillow. She’s reluctant to get up, but she’s hungry too.

“Okay.”

\--

“Jasp?”

Peri rolls over to look at the desk, wrapped up in blankets.

“Come to bed…”

There’s a slight whine in her voice.

“Peri, this is due tomorrow. I’ll be there as soon as I finish.”

“You could do it tomorrow…”

Jasper turns to look at her.

“Peri.”

“Jasper.”

“I really have to do this-”

“I’m  _ cold _ .”

Jasper takes off her sweater, and goes over to tuck it around her whiny girlfriend. 

“I have to finish this, okay?”

Peri sighs, burying her face in the sweater.

“Fine.”

When Jasper is finally done, Peri is already asleep. She’s hogging the covers and space on the bed, but Jasper tucks herself in next to her. Peridot snuggles up next to her, and Jasper kisses her head.

She’s glad things are working out.


	18. i'll paint you a clear blue sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not liking the state of the jaspidot tag lately, so guess who's back!! I'm sorry it's been so long, you guys. RWBY stole my damn heart. BUT it's made my writing so much better!!

It gets better. Peridot keeps going to counseling, without Jasper, easing up on herself. Anxiety attacks happen less often. She takes care of herself again. But one day, going into the counseling center, her hands are shaking. She needs to talk about it. She smiles as Cat comes to get her, and once they sit down, she has to say it quick before she gets too scared. 

“Hey, Cat? I want to talk about something.”

Cat looks attentively at her, obviously interested. Peridot can’t help but look down.

“Of course, Peridot.”

The words spill out of her.

“So- you know how my parents made me live with relatives?” Cat nods. “What they found out about- it’s- Jasper and I are dating. She’s my girlfriend.” She can feel the sting of tears behind her eyes, and she continues to stare at the floor, but laughs a little. “That’s the first time I’ve told anyone outright. I mean- it’s a little obvious, but no one has ever asked me.”

“Peridot?”

She looks up.

“Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate it.”

Peridot nods. 

“I needed to talk about it. I just- I know they’re wrong. I  _ love  _ her-” her voice wavers- “But I was taught for so long that that type of love was wrong. And then I met her, and I fell so in love. She’s…” The smile on her face speaks volumes. She and Cat talk for the rest of their hour, Peri telling her the whole story. She talks about middle school, how Jasper needed a tutor. She talks about how they became best friends. She talks about the drunk kissing they did. She talks about how scared they were when they told each other. 

No one had ever cared to listen. By the end of the session, she’s in happy tears. Jasper is the best thing in her life, and she knows it.

She walks home, hands in her hoodie’s pocket. She’s pretty sure Jasper is in class. That’s alright. She can be by herself for a while. It hits her, just like that: she’s better. Everything is different now. 

Peridot almost stops in her tracks. She’s wearing her own hoodie, for once. She’s not terrified about where Jasper is. She’s not bone-crushingly tired. She’s not panicking with anxiety over her unfinished homework. 

She twists her hands together. How had this happened to her? How had it gotten so bad? Her steps quicken as she realizes- she needs to apologize to Jasper.

It takes a while to get back to the dorm, but by then, she knows what to say. She’s so deep in thought that Jasper calling her name doesn’t even startle her out of her thoughts. It takes the sound of her laughter to snap out of it. 

“Earth to Peri?” and she finally notices her. 

“Jasper!” she greets with a smile. She sees some sort of surprise in her eyes, but it goes away before she can say anything. Jasper readjusts her gym bag when Peri reaches for her hand, and for the first time in a very long time, they hold hands in public. Jasper watches her, looking for anything that says  _ please stop I’m scared  _ and yet- Peri smiles easily, steps light beside her, looking ahead instead of around them. 

Peridot doesn’t even register Jasper’s quiet staring. She’s used to it. They get to their room, and Peri digs a key out, opens the door for her. 

Jasper, at this point, isn’t entirely convinced her girlfriend is real right now. She puts her bag down where it belongs, and turns around to see Peri sitting on the bed, looking at her hands. 

“Jasp?” her voice is so quiet, and just maybe, Jasper’s a little freaked out. She answers, and Peri hits her with “I’m sorry.”

Her chest goes cold. “For what?” she tries, hoping her voice isn’t wavering.

Peridot reaches for her, knowing what she’s thinking. “For-” her script has gone out the window with the poorly hidden fear on Jasper’s face. “Everything. You’ve been hurting, and I wasn’t even paying attention.” Jasper steps closer to the bed, letting Peri pull her down next to her. Then, instead of Peri’s head on her shoulder, she tugs a little more, letting Jasper rest against her. She leaves her arm where it is, draped across Jasper’s shoulders. 

“I don’t understand,” she whispers, and Peri lets out a ghost of a sigh.

“It’s like. Can I use a stupid gym metaphor?”

Jasper smiles, nestling her head into her shoulder. “Sure.”

“It’s like you were spotting me, and you caught the weight before it fell on me, but then me and the weight fell on you.” Jasper laughs until she cries, falling back against the bed. Peri’s cheeks get flushed, but she laughs too, eyes on Jasper. She notices the gap in her teeth, the way her eyes crinkle up, the way her cheeks seem even fuller. They haven’t laughed like this since- no, not since classes started, not during the summer, not during finals week- fuck, it hasn’t happened since before graduation. Peri’s heart hurts at that. She turns to see Jasper, waiting for her to calm down.

“Sorry-” she gasps, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think you know how spotting works, Peri.” There’s nothing, literally nothing, but love in her voice, and Peridot moves around to put her back against the wall. She offers her thighs as a pillow, letting Jasper lay her head in her lap. 

“I know. I wasn’t thinking that one through.” Now that the tension has been broken, the words spill out of her mouth. “I put everything on you. I couldn’t even see that it was hurting you.”

“It wasn’t-”

Peri’s eyes are soft as she looks down at her. “Don’t, Jasper. You know it was. I put it all on you without supporting you as well, and it hurt you  _ and  _ us. I'm sorry.”

She can barely stand the look on Jasper’s face. Love and tenderness and everything she shouldn’t deserve. “I’d do anything for you,” Jasper says, and Peri smiles, fingers brushing her cheek.

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“No- I  _ would _ -” and she tries to get up, but Peridot puts a soft hand on her shoulder. 

“I know. Just let me tell you I’m sorry, okay?” 

“Okay.”

She, for once, is the one kissing her girlfriend’s forehead. It’s a little uncomfortable to bend down, but it’s worth it. Jasper always expresses her love with touch, and it’s the least Peri can do to respond in kind. “I love you,” she murmurs, and that blinding smile she’s only ever seen from Jasper is the only response she needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So because I'd really like to address Jasper's issues as well, I can't promise a solid end date. I have two other projects going, and after a year and a half, these babies are on the back burner.


	19. i fought off monsters beneath her bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a longer one! Somehow I need to write about Jasper getting her own help, then some gross sappy gay stuff, then more about Cassie. It'll happen.

Jasper doesn’t dream a lot. She always sleeps deeply, body worn out from the work of the day. But she remembers her first nightmare.

\--

Her parents were fighting that day. Shouts and slammed doors and sobs had kept her in her room for the day, slipping out once to go to the park- without permission. She knew her mother was too distraught to notice.

What she didn’t know was what the fights were about. She laid in bed with a pillow wrapped around her head, blocking out their noise. They fought a lot, but it was in the form of jabs and cruel comments, almost never as explosive as this. Finally, the front door slammed and her father’s truck started. The sound of her mother’s tears trailed down the hallway, and Jasper sat up. She went up the stairs, sneaking around in her own house.

She opened the fridge as quietly as possible, taking out bread and sandwich stuff. Slapping a sandwich together, she wondered if she should go see if her mom was alright. Jasper considered it. She'd be able to give her a hug, but her mom would want to explain what happened, and she just… didn't want to know. Going back downstairs, she closed her door behind her. Neglecting her homework in favor of video games, she ate the sandwich as she played on her DS. She barely glanced over the assignment, doing some math but ignoring the written part. Despite her desire to go watch TV, she stayed downstairs and went to sleep a little early.

Jasper dreamt of monsters with human faces and voices, dreaming until it felt like she was falling. She woke up then, body shaking and tears in her eyes. She glanced at her alarm clock. It was too late but too early to be up. She laid awake, falling into a restless sleep.

\---

It became her usual. When she had a particularly bad day, or her parents fought, or she was stressed, she had nightmares.

Peri noticed in high school. It was second semester of junior year, and they had just finished finals. Jasper had pried the coffee out of Peri’s hands, taken her phone so she couldn’t obsessively check her grades, kissed her forehead, and had her spend the night so they could watch movies.

Sharknado was awful. She didn’t know why she expected anything more. But it made Peri laugh, and that was all she needed. It only took her an hour to go to sleep, curled into Jasper.   
It wasn’t as easy for Jasper to fall asleep. Peridot hadn’t noticed, not really, but she was terrified of finals. They were weighted so heavily, and they could help or hurt her grade, and she felt she had done awfully. It was okay that she was awake, though. Peri was so sweet in her sleep, burrowing close to keep warm, creases of emotion gone from her face. Her tiny snores were adorable. She didn’t know when she fell asleep.

Peridot was woken by Jasper twitching beside her. She sat up, brushing her own hair back before turning her attention to her. She was making small sounds, obviously distressed. Peri touched her arm, thumb rubbing over her skin, the other hand stroking her hair. The twitches grew less frequent, but the frown on her face was still there. “Jasper,” she whispered, shaking gently.

Jasper’s eyes flicked open, fear in her expression. She looked up at Peridot, dreams still clouding her mind, and Peri simply let her touches linger, adding a “You’re okay, Jasp.” She nodded, and tugged at her arm. Peri scooted back down, lying on her back and letting Jasper set her head on her shoulder.

\--

College is exhausting. Not only does she have volleyball, she has to keep her grades up to keep her scholarship. Peri knows now, and does what she can, but her own grades had suffered from the first couple of months.

Every night after practice, she comes back dead tired. Peridot jokes that she’ll fall asleep in the shower. One night, she falls asleep with her head in Peri’s lap, a gentle hand in her hair. She doesn’t know when Peri moves and puts a pillow down for her, but she goes back to sleep anyway.

She dreams of running, and fighting, and angry faces, her dad’s angry face, whispers of slurs and the _crack_ of a broken nose and- “Jasper. Jasper, wake up. Everything is okay.” Her dreams break, and she sits up, inhaling sharply. Peridot is at her side, gentle hands on her arm.

“Are you okay?”

She nods slowly, heart beating too fast to think. Peri’s voice is soft as she talks to her. “I’m gonna turn the light on, alright?” Jasper sighs as the room lights up, folding her arms across her chest to comfort herself. “Jasp, why were you having a nightmare? What’s going on?”

She turns to face Peri, glancing at her before looking at the blanket. “No, I’m okay. It’s all good,” and she’s so terrible at lying, damn it. Peri stares at her, unsatisfied with her answer. She gets distracted, reaching out to touch her nose.

“I swear your nose wasn’t like that when I left. Are you _sure_ nothing happened?”

Jasper closes her eyes, letting Peridot touch her face.

“Um- well, _shit_ , Peri, I can’t lie to you. Fine. My nose got broken again. I got in a fight- I swear it was one time, no big deal. I was being stupid, I was angry about something else.” She opens her eyes to see hurt on Peri’s face, and immediately tries to backtrack. “It’s fine, Peri, I-”

“Why didn’t you _tell_ me?”

Jasper looks down, avoiding her gaze.“You called me that night, and I just didn’t want to say anything. You sounded upset.”

“I always sounded upset, Jasper. I- who was it with? Why were you angry enough to get in a fight?”

Jasper’s voice is a whisper. “I told my dad about us.”

“Why?”

“He was being a dick about you and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't listen to him. He got mad, I left, ran into someone, I was a jerk, they punched me. End of story.”

Peri is silent, and Jasper looks at her, trying to see how she's feeling. Her heart drops when she sees tears on her face, and moves closer to comfort her.

“Peri, I'm fine. Why are you upset?”

Peridot leans into her, sniffling. “All I can think about is you sitting in the emergency room with your broken nose and I wasn't _there_ to be with you, Jasper-” She cries into her shoulder, and Jasper holds her around her waist, putting her head on top of Peri’s.

“It’s okay, I promise. I took care of it. It’s been months.”

“No, it’s not _okay_ \- you were hurting and I wasn’t there.”

“Peri…”

She sniffs angrily, changing the subject as it occurs to her. “Why were you having a nightmare? What’s stressing you out?”

“Can we talk about this later?” Jasper sighs out, not having the emotional energy for the discussion.

Peridot presses closer. “Only if you promise that we will,” she says, and Jasper agrees. They sit together for a moment, until Jasper reaches for the lamp.

“Please, can we just go to bed?”

“Yeah.”

She turns off the light. A little while later, Peridot whispers her name, and Jasper is already nervous. She responds in a soft voice, and isn't ready for the reply.

“Why do you still love me?”

It’s a genuine question, despite the better mood Peri has had lately. But Jasper feels what's left of her heart break. She reaches for her, searching for something to hold in the dark. Peri gives her hands, and Jasper laces their fingers together.

“Because, Peri. Because we can get through it. I’m not giving up on you, or us,” she says, voice low, and Peridot nods into her shoulder, scooting herself closer than before. Jasper kisses her head.


	20. you are the best thing that's ever been mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience!! My desire to write burned out as school kicked my ass, so it took me a while to even think about writing. I hope you all enjoy this.

Peridot throws herself into helping Jasper. She sends her into the tutoring center. She sits for hours helping her with a paper. Jasper doesn’t know how to repay her. Peri is so determined and headstrong and just- unstoppable when she’s passionate. She gets used to it. She works hard, and her grades start to go back up. Acceptable, if not stellar. 

Peri even convinces her to go to her professors and ask for help when she needs it. It makes her smile. She knows Peri did it for her when they were in high school. Jasper can completely picture it- Peri being so blunt and straightforward about the issue and asking if they could help. She’s certain of it, actually, because one day her opinion of their history teacher had completely flipped. Peri had loved the teacher on Tuesday, but been petulant on Thursday and remained that way for the rest of the year.  God- she loves her. Sitting at the desk, she looks to their bed to find Peri reading, one of her thick textbooks perched in her lap. 

“Love you,” Jasper says, and she glances up.

“Love you too,” Peri replies with a soft smile. 

\--

English isn’t Jasper’s strong suit. However, they get into a unit that’s about words, and defining them, and what they mean, and she is all about that. She’s never been excited about an assignment before. The assignment is to define a word or a phrase, multiple if needed. 

She writes. She writes about friendship and trust and faith and- love. She types it all out, letting autocorrect fix her spelling. It’s a good thing Peri isn’t around, because she’s nearly sobbing as she writes. The essay becomes a story. It’s about her and Peri, how they became friends, how she came to love her, how she came to be in love with her. Most of it she’ll have to cut out, she knows. It occurs to her that she could write about familial love as well, so she goes into that. 

It’s a good first draft. She doesn’t want to show it to Peri, though. That’d be- weird. The essay feels so personal, so intimate. But how could it be weird? Peri knows the story. She knows what she means to Jasper.

Whatever. She’ll decide later, as she’s so enveloped in writing that she can’t focus on anything else. She’s no poet, but her words become laced with imagery- green eyes, dark hair, blinding smile. In later stages of revision, she introduces her own concepts with the Corinthians passage- love is patient, love is kind, all that.This- what they have- is something out of a story. Honestly, the reflection on her relationship with Peridot is stunning for her. She stops typing as something occurs to her. It’s not some trainwreck revelation, it’s a pileup of facts. They’ve been best friends for five years. They’ve been together for a year and a half. They’re at the same college. They live together. She wants to stay together for the foreseeable future. But more than that, she wants to build a life with her. She wants- oh God, she wants a job and and a wife and a house and a kid like the damn adult she is. It’s just that she doesn’t want “a wife” along with the rest, she wants  _ Peri  _ along with the rest. In all of her fantasies about a life of her own with a white picket fence and a dog, there were no specifics. Suddenly, all she can see was a house with Peri in it, a dog playing with Peri, a kid with green eyes. 

Unable to concentrate, she turns away from her desk to find the room dark. Winter brought the sunset early, and her heartbeat spikes with worry until she remembers Peri has a study group for her chemistry class. After a quick text, she leaves, going to go get dinner for the two of them.

She’s still a little spacey, so she walks slowly, lost in thought. The ideas of the future come flooding back, and she feels sick. Jasper knows she’s serious about Peri. She knows Peri’s serious about her. She’s thought about a future with her. She had just never even considered it to be obtainable. 

Jasper gets food, putting very little thought into any of it, and goes back to their dorm. Peri is there when she gets back. She takes their dinners and puts them aside, drawing Jasper down into a kiss. Jasper has to smile, letting herself relax. 

They eat, talking about their days, and Jasper knows Peri knows that she feels weird. However, in a lull in the conversation, she glances up to see Peri looking at her so gently, a small smile on her face. Once they finish, she takes their plates, kisses Jasper’s hair, and says she’s going to shower. Jasper nods, and goes to sit on their bed. She waits to hear the water running before selecting a number. Her mother sounds overly excited when she picks up. 

“Hi, Jasper!”

Jasper has to smile at her enthusiasm, but her voice carries her emotion as she replies with “Hi, Mom.”

“What’s wrong, honey?”

Jasper swallows the lump in her throat down. “When did you know you wanted to marry Dad?”

“Oh…” she responds, quiet for a moment, until sighing. “I don’t know.”

“Come on, Mom. There must have been some shining moment.”

“When he asked, I guess.”

Jasper lies back against the mattress. “Really?”

“Yeah. I just hadn’t thought about it before then.”

“Oh.”

“Why, Jasper?” Her mom’s tone is gentle yet suspicious.

Her voice cracks as she answers “Just thinking about- things.”

“Things.” She knows her mom can tell her emotions are everywhere. 

Jasper drops her voice to a hush. “I just- I’ve been thinking a lot today.”

Her mom doesn’t press the issue. She asks about class, about Peri, about volleyball. They’re still talking when Peri comes out of the shower, and she tugs the phone away from Jasper to say hello. Jasper watches Peridot talk on the phone, smiling at the spark in her eyes. Finally, she hands the phone back, and Jasper and her mom say goodbye. Peri obnoxiously climbs over Jasper to lie down, and she smiles before getting up to change. Once Jasper lies down next to her, Peridot rolls over to face her, laying a gentle hand on her face. 

“What’s got you freaked out?” Jasper turns her head to kiss her palm, quiet. “Talk to me, Jasp,” she says in a hush, and Jasper lifts her gaze to meet Peri’s eyes. They’re green as ever, full of nothing but love. She closes her eyes.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” she finally mumbles, and Peri strokes her thumb across her cheek.

“Why not?”

“It scares me,” she says, in an even quieter voice. She opens her eyes and Peri is looking at her so patiently, but expectantly. “Can I tell you about it later?” she pleads, and Peri nods.

“I love you,” she whispers. Jasper smiles. 

“I love you too.”

Peri moves closer, laying a kiss on her jawline before nestling into her. Jasper wraps her arms around her, protective. They lie together, and soon enough, Peri is asleep, soft breath tickling her neck. She’s dead weight, clinging to her, but so peaceful. Jasper holds her tightly for a moment, thinking.  _ You have no idea how much I love you. How could I ever begin to tell you?  _ The thoughts from earlier make a reappearance as well, and she shivers as she considers it. Her parents are a terrible example of marriage and love. Jasper doesn’t want to even imagine having a dynamic like that. Especially not with Peri. 

She’s so scared to consider it. On one hand, she wants nothing more than to be with Peridot for as long as possible. On the other, she’s terrified of ending up like her parents. She’s had these thoughts for a long time- she doesn’t want a shitty marriage in some shitty subdivision. But this is Peridot she’s thinking about. Jasper strokes her hair gently, remembering a conversation they had, sometime in senior year.  _ I don’t want to be like my parents _ , she had said, and Peridot had comforted her. But after that, she had said something.  _ I wouldn’t let you _ . Jasper knew just how much that meant to her. But what did it mean to Peri?

She sighs, deep in her chest. These are thoughts for later. Much later. 


	21. the stars, they're just old light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like not much happens in this chapter but important things do happen? idk. I'm hoping to get another chapter out by September, but things get a little ridiculous in August, soooo no promises.  
> Also, to those of you who comment both occasionally and regularly, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. If you'd ever like to get in touch, my tumblr is manicpixienightmaregirl!

Time passes. Peridot makes excuses to stay at school for every fall break, lying through her teeth. Jasper knows it weighs on her. Her near-constant tears have ceased, but one night, Jasper wakes up to a dark room, half of her blanket gone, and a crying Peri. She has her back to Jasper, and she can see her shoulder shaking in the faint light of the streetlamps outside. Jasper’s heart melts. She shifts towards her, touching the curve of her hip and resting her hand there. Peri muffles a sob, and Jasper strokes her thumb across the fabric of her tank top.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, voice rough. Peridot sniffles, turning over to face her. 

“I- I don’t know what to do about my parents,” she says, and Jasper stays quiet, half to encourage more words, and half because she’s still mostly asleep. Peri continues, voice shaky. “I want them in my life, but if they knew, they’d hate me.” Jasper makes a sound of protest, but she shakes her head. “I lied to them. I am lying to them.”

“Peri,” Jasper says, tracing circles on her hip, “I think we should talk about this when it isn’t two in the morning.”

Peridot half-laughs, half-coughs, and snuggles close. “It’s two thirty,” she whispers, and Jasper makes a confused noise. “I checked.”

\--

The air chills, the leaves fall, classes start to wrap up. Things are better in some ways. Things are worse in others.

“What are we going to do for winter break?”

Peri’s voice is soft, and Jasper looks across the coffeeshop table at her. She’s put her book aside, hands wrapped around a cup. She’s worried, yeah, but not panicking. That’s good.

“What do you want to do?”

Peridot shrugs. “Obviously I’d like to stay with you. I don’t know if it’s possible. They have a location app on my phone and I know they look at my texts.” Jasper grimaces. It sucks to use a generic messenger app to communicate, but it is what it is. “I think we just have to deal with it.”

“That sucks.”

Peri chokes out a laugh. “Yeah.”

\--

It’s late, and the two of them are finishing up some homework.

“Peri, can I ask you something?”

Peridot hears the serious note in her voice, and puts her textbook aside. Jasper is combing her fingers through her hair, avoiding her gaze.

“Yeah.”

“Do you really think I could be a physical therapist or-” she pauses, “fuckin’ whatever I’m trying to be?”

Peri keeps her voice even, asking “What do you mean?”

Jasper turns to face her, and the way she’s shaking her leg becomes obvious. “I  _ mean  _ I’m never going to be able to get the school I need. I don’t even know if I want to do that kind of work. I just-” she stops herself, both hands in her hair now.

“Just what?” Peridot prompts her, unsure if she should go over or let Jasper come to her.

“I’m just not passionate about anything. All I’m good at is sports, Peri,” she says, looking at her for a moment before continuing with “And I’m not good enough to be a professional player, and I don’t want to do that anyway. I’m not smart like you are. I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

Peridot gets up, arranging her textbook and notebook on the desk and tugging on Jasper’s arm. Jasper lets it happen, trailing after Peri to their bed. However, she sits against the wall to the side, letting Peridot go back to sitting against the headboard with their legs overlapping. It’s obvious she’s not in the mood to be held. Jasper puts her head back with a long sigh. Peridot stares at the wall. The glow from both the lamp on the nightstand and the lamp on the desk is golden, casting shadows on the small room. 

“What do you want to do about it?” Peridot asks, and her voice is as small as she feels.

“Don’t know,” Jasper replies.

The conversation dies.

\--

The next day, Jasper is half-asleep on the bed, face pressed into a pillow. Peri bursts in the door with a binder, shoving it at Jasper as soon as she sits up. 

“So. I came up with a list of your interests and hobbies. Then I researched  _ several  _ career paths, full time and part time, for each. I highlighted ones you might be interested in.”

Jasper, having heard it all but understood none of it, opened the binder, flipping through pages of career ideas, part-time jobs, course descriptions and other random pages. It was divided with tabs, and it was true, there were several highlighted sections.

“I threw out unrealistic jobs for some of them, like- um- running a gaming channel and stuff like that,” her voice gets quieter the longer Jasper is silent, “And- I don’t know. I thought it could help.”

Jasper watches her twist her hands together in the foresight of her vision, and sets the binder aside. She looks up to her, as she’s sitting on the edge of the bed and Peri is standing, and it’s a weird feeling. Peridot looks nervous, gaze searching Jasper’s face. 

Jasper lets the smile she’s been fighting spread as they look at each other, and touches Peri’s face. She seems surprised, but smiles back.

“You are the best.” Peri tries to shrug, clearly embarrassed, but Jasper continues. “No arguing, Peri. I know- um, I know how much you love me because you show it all the time. With more than affection. And I don’t know how to do the same.” 

“Oh, Jasper...” Peridot holds her wrist, fingers wrapped around the bone, pressing her cheek into Jasper’s hand. Jasper looks at her, chest tightening at the emotion in her eyes. “You’ve done more than enough for me. You  _ know  _ that.”

Jasper nods. “I love you,” she murmurs, and kisses her.

\--

Later, Peri sleeping peacefully in their bed, Jasper picks up the binder. It’s organized by interest, and she flips through it. Video games, cars, sports, working out- wait. She goes back to the section about cars. Sure enough, it’s highlighted. She stares at the page for a moment. What if she became a mechanic? That’d be  _ cool _ . She wouldn’t be stuck in school doing papers and textbook readings for much longer. She’d be learning, actually learning and doing and quite possibly succeeding. With that on her mind, she continues through the binder, noting the careful detail put into each section. Not only is it organized, it’s in the font she can read without too much trouble. And at the end, she finds a piece of notebook paper with Peri’s neat script on it. It starts with  _ Dear Jasper _ , and her breath catches in her throat. It’s a letter. She reads, hearing Peri’s voice in her head. It’s a letter thanking her, telling her how much she loves her, and it’s full of reassurance.  _ I know I’m not too good with expressing how I feel _ , she wrote, continuing with  _ And I know I owe you so much. I don’t know how to repay you when you’ve given me so much. Too much. It’s going to take me a lifetime to give you what you’ve given me. I hope we have that together.  _ It’s signed  _ With all of my love, Peri _ , and Jasper blinks tears out of her eyes. No wonder Peri was so nervous when she gave the binder to her. 

She really is the best.


	22. have you gone wrong? or are you growing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewatched Log Date 7 15 2 to write this, and can I just say, what an iconic episode. I mean, ["Peridot are you gonna be okay?" "NO!"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOqmoqrbV2c) is just such a mood. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one! I tried to break up the giant walls of dialogue as best I could.  
> This chapter is heavy, so I encourage you all to take care of yourselves, especially if you've had bad experiences with your parents. Let me know if I can do anything for you.

Jasper asks no questions, letting Peri sob. The hand on her thigh speaks volumes. The drive home is silent save for the gasping breaths she takes.

\--

A couple of weeks earlier, she had sat down by herself and opened her voice recording app. There were dozens, maybe hundreds, of voice files. The last one was from May. She sat back in her chair, shocked. Had it really been that long? She hesitantly clicked it.

“Log date five twenty-five two…” first of all, what the fuck, did her voice sound like that in real life?, and secondly, the nervous laugh that broke into her voice was ridiculous. “I get my diploma today. I turn eighteen in August. Jasper and I have been dating for- so long. More than a year now!”

Past-Peridot then went into how she felt about college and the future and her plans, and Present-Peridot wanted to cry. She had been so hopeful and excited and then her parents had found out and everything went straight to hell.

And now she was contemplating making it worse. She opened a new recording, took a breath, and started talking.

“Log date- uh- twelve thirteen… two, I guess. I don’t remember why I always said that.” She laughed, trying to ease her own tension. “I haven’t made one of these in six months. A lot has happened. Like, yes, college and everything. But also my parents found out about Jasper and I and sent me to live with my aunt and uncle and I kind of spiraled into depression. Not even kind of.” She was quiet for a moment. “I’m better now. That’s weird to think. I just… I have a choice right now, and I need to talk myself through it. So.” Peridot opened her notebook, flipping to a half page she had ripped. “Telling my parents that I’m still with Jasper and I’m living with her and they can suck it,” she read, “Pros include lessened guilt and fear, Jasper- I wrote her name twice, in fact,” and she had to pause and hide a smile. “Other pros are independence and more financial aid. That’s um, that’s it. I know there’s more, like being able to be myself and not be scared and other dumb stuff…” she trailed off, staring at the wall before looking back to the paper. “So onto cons. Paying for school by myself, financial independence- I’ll have to do work-study or something. Then, disownment, getting kicked out, complete familial ostracization, quite literally losing my parents and most if not all my family,” she said in one breath. She was quiet for a moment.

“I’m such a clod. I shouldn’t do it. But I should! It’d make me feel so much better! But what the fuck am I thinking? I can’t throw away my family. Except, like,” her voice broke a little, yet she kept talking, “family doesn’t do what they’ve done.” She sniffled, laying her head on the desk. “God, I’ve been such a mess. I’m better now, I swear, but I’m still trying to feel like myself when I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

She closed her eyes. “Okay. Cat taught me a thing. What’s the worst thing that could happen? What’s the best thing? What is most likely to happen?” She talked herself through the possible outcomes, calming down until she was able to finally say it. “I think I have to do it. It’s what’s best for me overall. Even though it’s going to ruin my life and everything! But I’ll be okay. Honestly, I will.” She paused, sighing. “That’s that, then. Peridot out.”

\--

Jasper wasn’t the biggest fan of the idea. She was silent as Peridot explained, nodding at the right times and responding neutrally until she was done.

“Peri…” she sighed, holding her hand. “This is really big.”

“Yes.”

“They’ll stop paying for your classes. They… _Peri_ …”

The worry in her voice was apparent, and Peridot squeezed her hand. “I know.”

Their gazes met, and Jasper smiled softly at her. “If it’s what you want. I know my mom will help you- _us-_ out.”

Peridot nodded.

\--

On the last day before break, Peridot’s heart skipped a beat when her mom called her.

“Hi,” she answered, voice clipped. Her mom launched into questions, asking when she was coming home, how she was getting home, if they had to come get her and why hadn’t she come home in so long? Peridot answered until she was satisfied, explaining that a “friend’s” mom was coming to get her and she could get a ride with her.

They ended the call after some small talk, Peridot feeling uneasy. Sure, she had made her decision. It still hurt.

The next day, seeing Jasper’s mom was amazing. Once she was done with her own daughter, she enveloped Peridot in a giant Mom hug, warm and soft and comforting. Once the bear hug was over, she still kept her in arm’s reach, studying her face. “How have you been, sweetheart?” she asked, and Peri wanted to burst into tears.

“Okay,” she managed to get out.

“You’ll have to talk to me on the way home.”

The three of them got their things and themselves into the car, and spent the ride talking and laughing. It felt so good, but the closer they got, the heavier Peridot felt. Jasper noticed, holding her hand and moving to stroke her thumb across her palm. Her mom glanced into the rearview mirror, smiling at them.

They stopped at Jasper’s house first, Peri staying outside as they dropped Jasper’s things off. Jasper’s mom kissed her on the forehead before she went into the house, and Peri whispered “Thanks, Amber,” before her throat choked up.

\--

Jasper’s smile as she starts her car is enough to lift the cloud in Peri’s mind. For a moment.

As they get closer to her house, she sighs. “Drop me off down the street, please.” Jasper glances at her, about to protest. “I know you don’t want to. They’ll recognize your car, Jasp.” Jasper nods, saying nothing, and Peridot stares out the window at the familiar neighborhood.

The rumble of Jasper’s idling engine is comforting as Peridot tries to keep her breathing steady. She stares at her house a few doors down. “You _sure_ you want to do this?” Jasper asks, voice soft, hand on her thigh. Peridot nods, sure her voice will tremble if she answers.

She lugs her things out of the backseat, watches Jasper pull away, and trudges to her door, pit in her stomach widening. The door doesn’t open when she turns the knob, so she knocks. It takes a moment, but she hears the lock click and sees her mother as the door opens.

It feels like the worst thing in the world to smile at her. They exchange greetings as Peridot brings her bags inside.

“Oh! I’d like to thank your friend’s mom, where’d they go?”

Peridot stumbles on her words, saying “They had to go, they’ll stick around next time.”

The suspicion on her mom’s face makes Peridot want to die. She quickly goes upstairs, collapsing onto her bed, feeling out of place even in a space that is supposed to be _hers._  Something feels off, as if someone has rifled through her things lately. An item is misplaced here and there, and the room is much tidier than she usually kept it. She just feels alien. It feels as if she’s supposed to unpack her bags, start doing laundry, yet she doesn’t.

Dinner comes too soon. She has no appetite. Sitting at her usual spot at the table is awkward, the chair uncomfortable as always, and the black and white modern dining room is cold. Her parents make no conversation as they eat, and Peridot pushes food around on her plate until her mother notices.  
“Peridot, why are you picking at your food?”

She sets her fork down. “I have something to tell you both,” she says. Her parents glance at her, obligated to listen yet uninterested. “Jasper and I are still together.”

The silence is deafening. Her parents look at her. It’s all she can do to look back.

“I’m sorry, what?” her mother asks.

“You heard me,” she says, soft voice carrying a defiant tone.

“I’m not sure I understood,” is her reply, and it only rubs salt in the wound. Her mom just wants to hear her say it, and she’s going to get what she wants. Peridot pushes her plate away.

“Jasper is my girlfriend. Partner. Significant other. Whatever.” She rambles when she’s nervous, she knows, so she keeps herself from going on. Her parents look at each other. She wants to take it all back, to laugh and break the tension. She can’t. The silence continues, and she tries to keep her breathing steady, fighting against her increasing heartbeat. Finally, her mother asks a question.

“You know what this means, don’t you?”

She wants to say _I’m sorry_. She doesn’t.

“I do.”

“I just don’t know why you have to do this.” Peridot’s eyes burn, tears threatening to spill. She wants to cry. She won’t. “You’re our only child,” her mother continues. “I don’t want this, I’m sure your father doesn’t want this either.”

“I want to be myself,” she manages to get out past the lump in her throat. Her father sighs. Underneath the table, she texts Jasper. It’s a simple _Come get me_ but she knows it must be ominous. Her mother speaks again, and she drags her focus back to that.

“I know you know this is wrong of you.” Peri stares at the table, dread heavy in her stomach. “Did you unpack your bags?” She shakes her head, eyesight blurring. “Good. Go get them.” She nods, chair screeching against the tile as she pushes it back.

“I still have hope for you, Peridot,” her father says as she passes him, and she nearly sobs. Going upstairs feels like an eternity, and she feels flashes of regret as she passes family photos, as well as when it hits her that this is it. She’s cutting ties. _It’s for the best, it’s for_ **_me_** , she reminds herself. She hauls her bags up from the floor, casting glances around her room for the last time. The pastel green walls, her NASA posters, the white furniture, it all hurts. She fights for a breath, the pain making a home out of her chest, sinking its claws in and settling down. Peridot goes downstairs, doing her best to keep the tears contained. Her mother waits in the foyer, arms crossed, expression set.

“Is _she_ coming to get you?” she asks, disgust clear in her voice.

Peri nods. Something occurs to her. “I want my shoebox back,” she blurts out, looking up to see shock on her mom’s face.

She considers it for a moment, and Peri sees Jasper’s car in the window beside the door. She shifts her weight, and her mother sighs. “Fine.” She goes upstairs, feet heavy on the steps, and Peri feels her phone buzz. She answers it, letting Jasper know she’ll be a minute. Her mother reappears, shoving the box at her, and Peridot nearly drops everything trying to hold it. She turns, adjusting her things so she can open the door. Her mom watches her struggle to do so, and when Peri finally steps outside, she moves to close it immediately.

“Just remember you chose this,” her mother says to her, shutting the door. The lock clicks, and her heart breaks with it.

The tears fall freely as she gets to the car, Jasper waiting against it, steadying the bags she’s about to drop and getting them into the backseat. She gently tugs the shoebox out of her hands, putting it on top, and guides her to the passenger seat. 

Jasper asks no questions, letting Peri sob. The hand on her thigh speaks volumes. She lets her cry, the drive home silent save for the gasping breaths she takes.

Peridot almost doesn’t register it when Jasper pulls into her driveway, turning her car off.  She fumbles for her seatbelt, but when Jasper lightly moves her hands aside to click it, she doesn’t protest. Peri’s able to get out of the car alright, blinking tears out of her eyes before fresh ones cloud her vision. Jasper’s warm hand meets hers, leading her up the steps and into the house. They immediately go downstairs, and she collapses into Jasper’s bed. It’s made, but just being in her room and burying her face in a pillow is calming.

“Peri, I have to go talk to my mom, okay?”

She clings to her hand for a second, about to beg her to stay, until her mind clears for a second. She remembers that it’s hard for Jasper to see her like this. Peridot nods, and Jasper squeezes her hand before letting go and leaving. 

Jasper is gone for long enough that Peri’s sobs are ceasing. She comes back in, turning a lamp on, and Peri notices that she has a blanket in her arms. It’s her favorite, the fluffy one that always warms up quickly. She has tissues too. 

Jasper puts the blanket and tissues on the end of the bed, and softly asks Peridot to get up. She does it, shakily standing. Jasper pulls the blanket back, then goes to the dresser and pulls some clothes out. “I have these from a while ago,” she tells her, handing the old shirt and comfy leggings to her. Peri changes, and Jasper is waiting on the bed when she’s done. She reaches for Peridot, pulling her closer. They get into bed, and she realizes that the blanket is already warm. Jasper must have put it into the dryer for her. 

The tears start back up, and Jasper holds her, whispering reassurances. Her voice is enough to quiet the part of herself stuck on what her mother said to her. “I love you,” she mumbles into her shirt, and she knows Jasper hears her when she kisses her face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was looking at the second chapter to see how to write her parents, and the difference between it and this chapter is startling. Thanks to all of you for sticking with me through the way my style has developed :)  
> On another note, school has started up again and I can already tell that I'm gonna suffer. Please be patient with me!


	23. some things are meant to be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends!! I'm sorry this chapter is short, I just wanted to get it out for you guys since it's been a couple of months. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving if you celebrate it, and a wonderful holiday season.  
> Also, this isn't really plot important, but it's important to the story, if that makes sense!

The next morning, Peri is exhausted, and Jasper knows it. She lays careful kisses on her face, gently asking her to move. Peridot gets out of bed for about five seconds, letting Jasper get up, and slides right back underneath the covers. 

Jasper gets dressed and leaves her room. She takes the steps two at a time like she always does, but feels out of place in the house she’s grown up in. It’s so much the same, while she feels so different, and it’s hard to reconcile the split. She finds her mom in the kitchen, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. It’s such a familiar sight, her heart hurts. She turns away to pour her own cup. Something strange occurs to her and she glances over her shoulder. 

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Where’s Dad?”

Her mother sets her mug down and folds the newspaper. “I didn’t want to tell you last night.” Jasper stares at her over the counter. “Sit down, Jasper.” She does so, however reluctantly, hands curling around her cup to warm her fingers. Her mom sighs deeply. “Your father and I have decided to divorce.”

“ _ Oh _ .”

“I know it may be a surprise, but it’s going to be for the better.”

Jasper nodded slowly, stirring her coffee. “Can I ask why?”

“I realized that… I never wanted to be with him for as long as I have. Then he treated you the way he did, and I knew that I couldn’t let that stand.”

“Oh,” Jasper repeats. “I’m.. sorry,” she continues, guilt lying low in her stomach. 

“Jasper, Jasper, no,” her mom says, a firm tone in her voice. “This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with my relationship with him.”

“You just said-”

“Nobody gets to treat my daughter badly. And any father who treats his child like that deserves to be cut off.”

Jasper stares into her coffee, somewhat soothed by her mother’s words yet the weight of bitterness and the same guilt still in her gut. “I guess,” she replies. She knows it’s not the most convincing thing she could have said. She thinks for a moment before she looks back up, brow creased.

“What’s going to happen to the house?”

Her mom sighs. “First of all, don’t look so worried. You’ll get wrinkles before you know it, baby.” Jasper rolls her eyes. “I know. Well, your father didn’t seem enthused about paying the mortgage by himself, and I know I couldn’t, so…”

“Okay,” Jasper chokes out through the sudden lump in her throat. She doesn’t know why she’s so emotional.

Her mom puts her hand over hers. “I’m sorry hon. This must be hard to hear.” 

Jasper nods again. “Part of what I need you to do while you’re here is try to pack your room up,” she says, and must have a Mom Sense that Jasper is about to cry, because she is. “Hey, bright side. I’ll be able to help you and Peridot out.”

“Um, about that.” Jasper nervously laughs. She has to rip the band-aid off. “Mom, I don’t think I’m cut out for college.” 

Her mom gently asks for an explanation. Jasper gives it to her. They talk for a while, discussing her options and what’s feasible for them. Eventually, Peri finds her way up the stairs, sleepily falling into the chair next to Jasper. Jasper gets up to get her a cup of coffee, making it how she likes it and giving it to her. Peridot mumbles a thanks. Jasper’s mom watches them, smiling.

“I couldn’t be happier to know you two have each other, “ she says softly.

Jasper blushes, but Peri just leans into her, replying with “I’m happy too.”

They spend the day as peacefully as possible. Once downstairs, Jasper tells Peridot what her mom told her, and manages to keep her tears to a minimum. They lie on her bed for a while, soaking in the comfort of being home. 

Out of nowhere, Peri whispers “It’s going to be okay.” Jasper looks over at her, confused. Peridot looks back and reaches over to touch her face. “You tell me that all the time. And it’s true. We’re gonna be okay.”

Jasper smiles.


End file.
